The ETC of Life & Faith

I always had a suspicion...

2010-07-01T07:07:00.001-05:00

So, this past Sunday in our Young Pros Bible Class, we were closing out a study on Jesus refilling our lives, with the particular focus that week being on eschatology, which is the study of the end times. And in the course of class prep, I felt compelled to share this via Mark Atteberry, who's a superb Christian author/leader. (hey, if Donald Miller is a fan of this guy, so am I)

Some people have actually spent time identifying Barney, the purple dinosaur, as the Antichrist. What? You didn't know Barney is the Antichrist? Then you need to read Revelation 13:18, which clearly says that the beast's number is 666, and also happens to be Barney's number. If you have any doubts of this, just work your way through the following steps and be enlightened:

Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur

Prove: Barney is really the Antichrist in disguise

1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2. Change all the U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3. Extract all Roman numerals in the phrase: CVVLDIV

4. Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5. Add all the numbers: 666

So now let your greatest fears be realized.

The Name Game Clues Explained

2010-06-17T07:07:00.000-05:00

So, now that our sweet girl is here, and her name is known to the world, it's only fitting that we reveal just what exactly all these silly sentences, hints, and random clues all mean. Plus, it might provide some insight into just how ridiculously strange Carly and I can be...ha! And, congrats are in order to Payton (my brother) and Melissa (his fiancee) for being the first to correctly guess our daughter's name. Many of you were right on after the final clue posted Tuesday morning.

Oh, and Phoebe means "bright, shining, brilliant light" in case you were wondering.

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

*The number 6 stands for the amount of letters in her name. The Japanese trend is none other than Pokemon, whose second member of the Hoenn Elite Four is named Phoebe.

May 28th Clue #2

-"One small step for a feathered friend, one giant leap for our family."

*The quote reflects what Neil Armstrong said when walking on the moon...Phoebe is the name of Saturn's outermost moon. And the feathered friend part refers to an actual insect-eating bird with the same name. So, basically, we made our own astronomical quote.

June 3rd Clue #3

-Screamin' Jay Hawkins decides to belt it out...despite the weather.

*The above-mentioned artist sang "I Put a Spell on You." This points to a profession of ladies who cast spells...witches...specifically from the TV show CHARMED. Alyssa Milano's character was named Phoebe, as was a minor character in the 1952 classic SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, which covers the last part of the clue.

June 9th Clue #4 & #5

-Steven Spielberg, Marcus Skinner, Ray Walston, and Chris Columbus meet up for some pizza. (still first name)

*Spielberg was the Executive Producer and Columbus the writer for Gremlins, which starred Phoebe Cates. Cates was also in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, where Ray Walston's class (he was Mr. Hand) was interrupted by a pizz delivery by one Jeff Spicoli. Oh, and Marcus Skinner was the professor Colin Hanks was trying to track down in Orange County. Skinner was played by Kevin Kline, who is married to Phoebe Cates in real life.

-A Royal Journal of a Red-haired orphan. (middle name)

*The Princess Diaries stars Anne Hathaway...Anne Frank had a famous diary...Anne Boleyn was royalty also...Anne of Green Gables was a red-haired orphan...and yet so was that little mischievous gal Annie from the movies...you get the idea.

June 15th (Delivery Date - final clues)

-A servant of the church in Cenchrea, who never let her Greek heritage get in the way of being a good FRIEND.

*A deaconess in the church, Phoebe is mentioned in Scripture only once...Romans 16:1-2. To the Greeks, her name represented the Titan Goddess of the Oracle of Delphi (the Moon Goddess or Bright Moon). And of course, most of us think of Lisa Kudrow and her hilarious character from Friends.

THIS IS IT!!

2010-06-15T09:11:00.000-05:00

So, this is going out NOW because it means we're in the hospital and our precious new one is well her way to breathing her first breath. And, without further adieu, here is your final clue. And let me be the first to say Congrats to each of you that have or will guess her name correctly. Thanks so much for playing along...we had a blast with this whole name-riddle madness.

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

May 28th Clue #2

-"One small step for a feathered friend, one giant leap for our family."

June 3rd Clue #3

-Screamin' Jay Hawkins decides to belt it out...despite the weather.

June 9th Clue #4 & #5

-Steven Spielberg, Marcus Skinner, Ray Walston, and Chris Columbus meet up for some pizza. (still first name)

-A Royal Journal of a Red-haired orphan. (middle name)

June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

-A servant of the church in Cenchrea, who never let her Greek heritage get in the way of being a good FRIEND.

Our Clues - 2 for 1

2010-06-09T11:25:00.003-05:00

So, I decided to add some bonus into the game...not sure of how many of you are still intrigued at this point, but today's clues certainly turn up the heat and give ya LOTS to explore. I'm a day late on the middle name clue, but a day early on the regular clue. Happy hunting, and send your guesses to me privately. Much love!

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

May 28th Clue #2

-"One small step for a feathered friend, one giant leap for our family."

June 3rd Clue #3

-Screamin' Jay Hawkins decides to belt it out...despite the weather.

June 9th Clue #4 & #5

-Steven Spielberg, Marcus Skinner, Ray Walston, and Chris Columbus meet up for some pizza. (still first name)

-A Royal Journal of a Red-haired orphan. (middle name)

June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

Tick, Tock

2010-06-03T06:13:00.001-05:00

This is just too much fun...and the guesses are great! We're inchin' closer, so hang in there.
Hey, if Carly can endure the waiting...

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

May 28th Clue #2

-"One small step for a feathered friend, one giant leap for our family."

June 3rd Clue #3

-Screamin' Jay Hawkins decides to belt it out...despite the weather.

June 7th Clue #4
(this one might actually focus on the middle name only)

June 10th Clue #5

June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

Keepin' it going...

2010-05-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

So, after being off and running with this fun game, I'd like to thank those of you that have already offered up some GREAT guesses. And, I'd like to say that there's probably not a good way to let you know if you're right or wrong, warm or cold, you get the idea. BUT, please don't let that discourage you from taking a shot at it, because you can have the satisfaction of guessing correctly and it being documented! So by all means, continue the conversation (privately), and remember to do it messaging Carly or me via Facebook, email, or text. We appreciate your playing along, and let the madness begin.

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

May 28th Clue #2

-"One small step for a feathered friend, one giant leap for our family."

June 3rd Clue #3

June 7th Clue #4

June 10th Clue #5

June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

And It Begins

2010-05-21T07:38:00.001-05:00

I'd like to officially any and all of you to our little game of fun and mischief. I'm actually glad you stopped by, and even more nervous this time around with all the savvy, clever hunters that Carly and I know you to be. And, let me remind you that when you get a guess, send it to me or Carly privately via Facebook or email. We appreciate your playing along, and let the madness begin.

May 21st Clue #1

-6 in a Japanese Trend.

May 28th Clue #2

June 3rd Clue #3

June 7th Clue #4

June 10th Clue #5

June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

So, Here's the Deal...

2010-05-20T07:17:00.001-05:00

...in case you've been wondering what's up.

-We moved to Austin 6 weeks ago.
-We're having our 3rd kid in 4 weeks.
-It's time for the NAME GAME.

The 1st clue is revealed tomorrow (Friday the 21st), with additional clues coming on the dates below.

May 28th
June 3rd
June 7th
June 10th
June 13th (Due Date - final clues)

Now, you remember the way this works...you have a guess, you send it to me or Carly privately via Facebook or email. We appreciate your playing along, and let's have some fun.

Weekly Office

2010-03-18T08:02:00.003-05:00

February 24 - "I have taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out, a place where unattractive and attractive people can get together to meet, to greet, to see the ones that you love, to love the ones that you see..." (Michael)

February 25 - "When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed 'Cookie Monster Sings Chocolate Rain' about a thousand times." (Michael)

February 26 - "When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could every copy." (Dwight)

March 1 - "Why are you helping her? You're not even dating. She's my friend. And ultimately, my strategy is to sort of merge into a relationship without her even knowing." (Michael)

March 2 - "Ronni was 'blah!' Things were at an all-time sad here, but then I got an e-mail from Ryan that he was coming back to town and I called the temp agency and I told them, I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him." (Michael)

March 4 - Michael: "So how much are we going to lose?" Jim: "I would like to lose sixty-five pounds." Michael: "Yes! All right. Who else? Angela, can I put you down for ten pounds?" Angela: "No. My doctor wants me to gain weight." Michael: "If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever."

Jesus was a Jew

2010-03-17T07:07:00.000-05:00

Christ could have been born a Roman. The proudest claim of His day was "Civus Romanus sum!" (I am a Roman citizen.) At His birth, Rome ruled the world and to be a citizen of Rome meant you could enjoy all the privileges of the empire.

Or Christ could have been born a Greek. This race has given to the world aesthetics and a beautiful language. Rome conquered Greece...but the Greek language would become the universal language. But Christ did not choose to be identified with "The glory that was Greece or the grandeur that was Rome" according to Poe. Rather He became a member of the most downtrodden, despised race of people in His day. In fact, we are still dealing with anti-Semitism in our era. Just try and get your mind around the horrors of the Holocaust...I've been to Dachau, it's terrifying. Jesus was a Jew!

Sholem Asch writes about being a Jew: "Jesus Christ is the outstanding personality of all time...Is still a Teacher whose teaching is such a guidepost for the world we live in...He became the Light of the World. Why shouldn't I, a Jew, be proud of that?"

Why, then, do we today still attempt to portray Christ as having blond hair...perhaps it's time to show proper respect to the heritage of the son of God.

The Secrets of Unhappiness

2010-03-16T07:27:00.000-05:00

What's bothering you? That's what the government decided to find out when it launched a $10-million study, "The Primary Causes of Unhappiness," in 1994. Mental-health professionals throughout the country conducted more than six thousand interviews during which subjects were asked to list those problems causing them the most concern and worry. The recently released results of this government study found that the primary cause of mental distress in this nation is government studies.

Almost 80 percent of all respondents indicated that information provided to them by government studies had three or more times been the cause of significant distress and had caused them to alter behavior that they had previously enjoyed. Most subjects reported that they had been happy or relatively happy with their livers until learning of the dangers that they faced. For example, more than $85 percent of all persons interviewed for this study claimed they had little or no knowledge of the existence of the ozone layer until being informed that it might be disappearing, and they had previously never been concerned about it at all. A similarly high percentage of respondents reported having little or no concern about global warming causing rising tides until made aware of this by government studies.

The general unhappiness caused by government studies reached into the home and workplace. Almost 100 percent of all persons interviewed reported that they had never or almost never been concerned about using microwave ovens, cell phones, or living in proximity to power lines until government studies raised issues of potential dangers. In particular, respondents reported that they had suffered depression, worry, anxiety, and general unhappiness after reading government studies concerning the effects on their health of the most commonly enjoyed foods. According to this study, at least half the people queried had given up or significantly decreased their consumption of the foods they most enjoyed. They had reduced intake of most sugar-based products, particularly chocolate, as well as most fried foods, foods containing saturated fats, foods grown or raised on farms using pesticides or chemical fertilizers, and foods resulting from any form of genetic engineering. They had also significantly reduced or eliminated drinks containing sugar or caffeine. They reported being fairly to very upset by government studies indicating that sugar was potentially dangerous while sugar substitutes were potentially even more dangerous.

Conversely, the respondents had significantly increased consumption of foods whose taste they most often described as "poor to cardboard." The study also found that those people interviewed had moderately to significantly changed their normal behavior patterns due to government studies. In many cases they reported that they had reduced time spent on "enjoyable" activities, including watching television, while increasing the amount of time spent on "less enjoyable" activities, such as exercise.

The government study concluded that the elimination of government studies might significantly improve the mental health of citizens. But it also recommended that further studies be funded to consider the consequences of such an action.

A Special Connection...?!

2010-03-15T07:11:00.001-05:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Shiloh

2010-03-12T07:13:00.000-06:00

So, while this is my 4-year-old daughter's name, it also has some pretty rich history in the Bible and through the Hebrews. The name is from the prophecy of the aged patriarch Jacob who on his deathbed pronounced blessings on each of his sons. "The scepter shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh comes" (Genesis 49:10). As you read the blessings you will also find scathing rebuke where there has been moral failure. Some instances of instability, lust, and cruelty forfeited the blessings of birthright. But you can also find special blessings reserved exclusively for the tribes of Judah and Joseph.

In the blessing pronounced on the descendants of Judah there is another piece of the mosaic of messianic prophecy. The specific tribe from which the Messiah would come is revealed. This blessing and prophecy gives us the name "Shiloh." Its root meaning is "to rest" or "to give rest." It is another Old Testament prophecy regarding the rest and peace which Jesus gives to all who follow Him.

There is a place in the state of Tennessee with this beautiful name, Shiloh. However, today it is known only as a place of bloodshed. Our history of the Civil War reveals to us that more than 25,000 men were killed on this battlefield. Those events are the opposite of the meaning of the word.

Jesus Christ is true to the meaning of all of the great titles given to Him. These are descriptions of His character and life mission. In this little-known title, He is the only One who can still bring rest to His people. Hear His promise once more, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

Our prayers are for Shiloh to live out her name, and provide rest, comfort, and encouragement to all her cross her path. You know, we actually selected her name because the meaning described to us was "God's gift; precious sacrifice." This, too, falls in line with God's promises and covenant in Jesus. May we all live and trust and hope in that gift of rest.

Weekly Office

2010-03-11T08:08:00.003-06:00

February 18 - "This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uh, Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. You will be responsible for your own medical bills." (Dwight)

February 19 - Michael: "Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?" Dwight: "Shotgun weddings." Jim: "That's not what that is." Creed: "Fright. Being scared to death."

February 21 - "Normally I don't condone leaving early but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken." (Dwight)

February 22 - Andy: "I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things." Angela: "That's not my problem." Andy: "Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow, twenty-four-hour veterinarian on call." Angela: "This is very important to me, so--I have work to do. Just do it."

February 23 - Jim: "Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance." Pam: "Yeah. You don't grab these for balance." Jim: "Uh..."

February 24 - "I have taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out, a place where unattractive and attractive people can get together to meet, to greet, to see the ones that you love, to love the ones that you see..." (Michael)

An Unspoilt Place

2010-03-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

Unexpectedly, Daniel Dengate walked out of the dense jungle into paradise. For the famed documentarian, the discovery of West Africa's Golong tribe enabled him to fulfill his lifelong dream. Until Dengate unexpectedly found them living in their Stone Age village in a difficult-to-reach valley, the self-sufficient Golong people had existed only in legend. For what anthropologists estimate is at least one thousand years, the "Lost Tribe" had had absolutely no contact with the outside world. Their primitive life had been totally untouched by modern civilization. This was the last unspoilt place on earth.

Dengate discovered that the Golong people lived in peace and harmony with their magnificent natural surroundings. Their language had no words for enemy or hate or jealousy, they made no weapons, they ate only what they could grow. Man and woman lived together with love based on mutual respect for their lifetime, their children were reverent toward their elders, members of the tribe shared all their possessions and worked happily together. The tribe raised magnificently colored butterflies, which they set free at the full moon as their gift to the gods of nature.

The Golong people had created a paradise on earth, Dengate realized, a living model of how beautiful life could be if people learned to live together peacefully. And he vowed to bring the message of this innocent tribe to the world.

He began filming the PBS documentary A Perfect Place. His twenty-four person crew lived among the Golong people for six months, learning their customs and their language, while teaching them rudimentary English and introducing them to basic technology, such as Panaflex cameras, cell phones, and fax machines.

The documentary and accompanying book appealed tremendously to the desire of many people to return to a simpler world. The documentary was nominated for an Academy Award and the book became a best-seller. Based on this success, Dengate was able to secure financing for the romantic feature film Love in a Grand Old World, in which Sandra Bullock starred as a member of a documentary-film crew who falls in love with a widowed Golong man with an adorable young child.

As the Golong "craze" began growing in America, Dengate knew he had to find a way to protect the tribe from exploitation. So he got them the best lawyer in the field, noted theatrical attorney Andrew Glenn. Gleen immediately negotiated a deal for all rights to manufacture and market authentic Golong woven jewelry, which would be produced in China and sold exclusively on the Home Shopping Network. With proceeds from this sale, the tribe was able to build a small hospital, install a satellite dish, and purchase several flat-screen TVs.

Struck by the simple beauty of traditional Golong songs, Barry Manilow recorded an album of authentic Golong music in a recording studio built less than a mile from the village, hiring Golong tribespeople to sing backup vocals. The opportunity to visit the last unspoilt place on earth proved to be irresistible to thousands of people, who were willing to spend large sums of money to experience a culture completely free of materialism. To make these tourists comfortable, the Hilton Hotel chain constructed the Golong Resort and Casino, which also provided employment for tribe members.

In addition to the regular tours that began visiting the village, Club Med set up a small village and landing strip within observation distance. Club Med management was able to hire several villagers for full-time trainee positions. Advertisers took note of the public desire to slow down. Chrysler created an entire campaign for a new line of four-wheel-drive vehicles entitled "A New Car for an Old World" around this phenomenon. "Deep in the jungle there is a very special place where life is lived slowly," the narrator said mellifluously, as a brute of a vehicle was seen ripping through the jungle, "but you might want to spend your whole vacation getting there." The campaign premiered during the Super Bowl. In recognition of their work in this commercial, the Golong people were granted the first tribal membership in Screen Actors Guild history.

When the jungle surrounding the village became overbooked, Disney Inc. was able to convince several members of the tribe to set up a touring unit. This group of Golongs traveled with the "Jack the Ripper on Ice" troupe and lived in small temporary villages in major arenas where ticketholders could observe them. Discounts were given for school groups. Unfortunately, the worldwide demand for personal appearances by the tribespeople made it impossible for them to continue living in their coconut-leaf huts. So, to fulfill commitments made to tour groups, almost one hundred Chinese people were brought into the jungle to lead authentic Golong lives.

Less than four years after he had stepped out of the jungle into ancient history, Dan Dengate's lifelong dream had finally come true: he had earned more money than he ever thought possible and was able to retire to play golf.

Hoorary! (we can now resume...) Weekly Office

2010-03-04T07:22:00.001-06:00

February 9 - Kelly: "Why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care." Meredith: "I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse."

February 12 - "Just about everybody in this office is single right now, including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces." (Michael)

February 14 - "These people need love. And I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today. A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees than anything else. I am going to be Cupid. And I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims and they are going to get hit and say, 'I'm in love.' I was hit by Cupid's sparrow. A funny little bird but he gets the job done." (Michael)

February 15 - Andy: "I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!" Oscar: "Exactly, Andy." Andy: "Yeah. I took Intro to Philosophy twice. No big deal." Dwight: "That's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male."

February 16 - "Okay fine! You know what? Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun. And I don't think she would trade that memory for anything." (Michael)

February 17 - "Michael had chicken pot pie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that. Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and let me be more specific--Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken pot pie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep. So we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5 p.m., which actually should be in ten minutes." (Jim)

The Sea of Galilee

2010-03-03T08:08:00.000-06:00

The Sea of Galilee is the world's lowest freshwater lake at 680 feet below sea level. This lake is about 13 miles long and as wide as 8 miles. In some spots, it is as deep as 150 feet. It was also known as the "Lake of Chinnereth," the "Sea of Tiberias," or the "Lake of Gennesaret." This lake is in the center of some of the most fertile area of Israel. It is surrounded by bountiful fields and lush orchards.

It was the center of the fishing industry and a main source of income in Jesus' day. More than 40 different species of fish come from these waters. The fish that were caught were dried or salted and then exported through all of the region and beyond. It was here where Peter and Andrew were tending their nets when Jesus invited them to become "fishers of men."

It was from the seaside town of Capernaum that He launched His Galilean ministry. Mary Magdalene came from the tiny, nearby village of Magdala. It was on these beautiful shores that Jesus fed the crowd of 5,000 with the five loaves and two fishes of the boy's lunch. It was here that he drove the demons from the man possessed and into the herd of swine who drowned themselves in the lake. It was here that Jesus appeared to His fishing disciples after the resurrection with the invitation to come and eat the fish which He had prepared on the fire. And it was in this setting that Jesus restored Peter by commanding him to "feed" His sheep.

And would you believe that to this day, the water is still pure enough from which to drink...

The Thoughts of the Longest-Distance Runner

2010-03-02T07:13:00.000-06:00

(wanted to share this for all you marathoners out there...seems like EVERYBODY'S running and may have entertained this mental, inward struggle)

When American long-distance runner Alex Jordan decided to run nonstop from coast to coast to raise awareness of knee and joint diseases, many people believed the task he had set for himself was impossible. But as Jordan persisted, state after state, his saga captured the attention of the public and became a symbol of American determination. What thoughts passed through his mind as he ran the tortuous route across the country? Using a state-of-the-art Nagma lightweight tape recorder, Jordan shared his thoughts during his run into history. Here is an excerpt from those tapes, made as he raced across Kansas:

"This is really, really stupid. My feet are killing me. I've done some dumb things in my life, but where this stupid idea--Ow! Darn, that hurts. What am I, out of my mind? How did I let them talk me into this...I swear, if this doesn't get me on Letterman...Hey! Watch it with that truck, jerk. I swear, if I ever finish this thing..."

What's in a phrase?

2010-02-24T08:08:00.000-06:00

Jesus said: "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:24; Mark 10:25; Luke 18:25). Some scholars have claimed this memorable, even humorous, quotation is a translation that has been mistaken. Some Greek and Armenian versions of the Bible refer to a "rope" rather than a camel. However...proverbs taken from the Talmud and the Koran do allude to a large animal, perhaps even one so large as an elephant, passing through a needle's eye. Jesus may have chosen the word "camel" for emphasis so that no one would forget the illustration.

Or another possible explanation is that the ancient cities which had walls built around them for safety also provided an "after hours" entrance--a very small gate or gateway which would allow a camel to go through it only if it were made to crawl through the gate after it had been unloaded. This was called the "eye of the needle." It was made very small for security reasons. Only one person or animal at a time could enter. If the people entering were bent on mischief or making trouble, they could be dealt with by the guards one at a time.

But in any translation, explanation, or interpretation...let's not lose the meaning. It is difficult for people who have learned to trust in their riches to humble themselves so that they, too, can enter the kingdom of God.

Weekly Office

2010-02-18T07:35:00.002-06:00

February 1 - "Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left and most of you are just as fat as the day we began." (Dwight)

February 2 - "Serenity by Jan is kicking butt and taking names. Remember last week when that girl went missing; guess whose candles they used for the vigil?" (Jan)

February 4 - "Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now this baby will be related to Michael through delusion." (Jim)

February 5 - Michael: "What's so funny?" Pam: "You had to be there." Michael: "Oh, hey! Geography joke."

February 7 - "Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to 'suck it' and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a--a lonely hearts convention this afternoon, singles only...We may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other." (Michael)

February 8 - Michael: "Pam, I would like you to meet Ronni. We call her 'Rice-a-Ronni.' She is hilarious, she is wonderful; a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day." Pam: "The nerve."

The Witch's Broom

2010-02-16T06:35:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time there was a witch named Grizelka who chalked up a very enviable record when it came to witchery. If you don't believe me, just look at her resume:

-Sleeping Beauty: Cast highly effective spell on young female, putting her in a state of slumber for several decades.
-The Frog Prince: Turned member of the royal family into an amphibian. Received wide publicity.
-Hansel and Gretel: Successfully enticed two young siblings to a house in the Forest using sweet food as bait.

Naturally, when it came time to give out the award for The Best Witch of the Year, Grizelka won. At her acceptance speech to the Academy of Witches, she moved almost everyone to tears.

"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible. Like that guy I shrank to fourteen inches tall after he said something about the wart on my nose. And I'd especially like to thank my assistant, also a little person, the gnome named Harry. I'll treasure this gold-plated skull the rest of my unnatural life!"

Well, sir, after that, Grizelka's stock soared high, and as far as she was concerned, every night was like Halloween. One day, a typical day, Harry and Grizelka were busy in her cobweb-filled house, hashing out her schedule.

"Okay," Harry said, glancing at the clipboard. "Tomorrow you're due to fly to London to touch off the Year of the Plague. And then you've got a banquet for the Society for the Humane Treatment of Trolls."

"Cancel that till Monday. Tomorrow I've got to lock this lady Rapunzel in a tower and then run over to the--"

Suddenly, the door to the witch's little house creaked open and there stood the most handsome prince in the world. "Ah, fair lady, could I trouble you for a flagon of water?" Such a request wasn't exactly the wisest thing the prince had ever done. In fact, it was tantamount to committing hari-kari.

"Instead of water, try a sip of this!" said mean old Grizelka, handing him a hissing, steaming cup of newts' knees, bat tripe, and other ingredients that would probably not pass FDA inspection, but would turn the prince into a tree stump. Still, witches too have hearts and, at the very last second before the concoction touched the prince's lips, Grizelka's was struck by Cupid's arrow.

"Don't drink that!" she shouted, and knocked it to the floor. The liquid burned a hole three feet deep. "My word," said the prince. "It must be carbonated."

With that, he made a courtly bow, and excused himself to go to the well outside to quench his thirst. Grizelka stared wistfully through the window. For the next few days, Grizelka just couldn't concentrate on her witchery. She sent Snow White a poisoned kumquat instead of a poisoned apple. She turned bats into bunny rabbits. She tried to put people to sleep, but just made them tired and cranky. Finally, she admitted to herself that she was in love--but because she was horribly ugly, even by witchly standards, she knew she could never win the prince. And so she went to the magic mirror--which charged only $100 for fifty minutes--and asked for advice.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall--and don't you dare crack on me--how can I win the prince's love?" The mirror responded, "Why don't you cast a spell on yourself? I'm afraid our time is up. I must go before I crack up myself."

Of course! The mirror was right. If Grizelka changed herself into a beautiful princess, the prince would fall in love with her. For two weeks she worked on the project, stirring a cauldron full of wolfbane, mice wings, and artificial flavors and colors. Finally, it came time for the age-old incantation. "Over the teeth and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!"

She drank it and--POOF!--where the witch once stood, there was an enchanting princess. The next day, the newly beautiful witch went to the royal ball. When she got there, the prince and the king were in the corner, talking.

"Well, my son, how are you enjoying the ball?" asked the king.
"Oh, I'm having a ball, Dad."
"I know that, but how are you enjoying it?"
But before the prince could answer, he spotted the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen. "You're beautiful, you're lovely, you're engaged...to me! Am I rushing things?"

Grizelka shook her head. A whirlwind romance ensued. They went to the opera, to the ballet, to be-headings. But there was one little problem. They were never alone. For wherever they went, along came a broom--they broom that Grizelka used to ride on her nightly forays. It would ride i the carriage with them, sit next to them at shows. There was just no escaping her past. The prince began to get a bit suspicious. "Now, I have nothing against cleaning instruments in general," he said. "I just want to be alone with you."

Desperate, Grizelka decided to shell out another $100 and go to her old mirror on the wall. The mirror counseled her, "Ah, well, it is all psychological my dear. You see, that broom over there has a sort of dust complex. Now that you're a princess, it's lonely. It misses its former owner. And it no doubt still thinks you are a witch."
"Well, what can I do?"
"The answer is simple. Get it a gride."

Now, in medieval English, which is what the mirror was speaking, the word gride mean dustpan. So, the witch immediately purchased a small but attractive dustpan and set it beside the lonesome broom in the broom closet. The rest happened naturally.

In the end, when the prince and princess got married, they had a double wedding with the happy cleaning instrument couple. So, as you can see, not only was there a bride and a groom, but there was also a gride and a broom.

Weekly Office

2010-02-11T07:26:00.000-06:00

January 22 - "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision." (Dwight)

January 24 - "I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked." (Andy)

January 26 - Holly: "No! You do not talk to him like that!" Angela: "But he's an idiot." Holly: "He is not an idiot. He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here." Kevin: "Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?"

January 27 - "Well, I was in the seminary for a year and dropped out because I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her back to Scranton, took the first job I could find in H.R. Later, she divorced me, so, no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R." (Toby)

January 28 - "When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink...Urine. It was urine." (Dwight)

January 29 - "I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place and I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities." (Michael)

Some Serious Influence

2010-02-10T08:08:00.000-06:00

His active life work lasted a bit less than 3 years. He held no political position in public life. He had almost no money and very few material possessions. He never wrote a book, poem, or song. He never painted a picture. He is not known for any clever invention. He never used force, other than throwing moneychangers out of the temple. He was hated by the religious and political authorities, arrested, condemned, tortured, and executed. And yet...

His teachings are of enormous relevance for us today. If what He said was true, we have the answers, profound answers, to some of the greatest questions that have perplexed peoples down through the centuries of time. These are issues of life and death, God and humanity, humanity relating to each other, time and eternity...and a whole lot more. His life and character wrapped up in a single being what all of us would like to be in our best moments.

His death, beyond any question or dispute, was the most famous death in all of human history. No other death has aroused even a fraction of such intense feelings over these hundreds of years. This death is still the subject of study. His resurrection was either the most outstanding event of all time or else a monstrous hoax perpetrated on a trusting humanity.

And today...about 2,000 years after these events took place in history...more than 1,400,000,000 people throughout this world profess to follow Him. (This is approximately one-third of the world's population.) Few have the luxury of being neutral about Jesus. No other human being has been so loved and so hated, so adored and so despised, so proclaimed and so opposed.

Take a Moment to Remember

2010-02-09T09:00:00.002-06:00

At those times when you're feeling insecure, inept, and unsuccessful, when it seems as if every person you know is more successful and accomplished that you are, it's important to take a moment to remember that:

-Alexander the Great, who conquered the world before his thirtieth birthday, did not graduate from high school.

-Plato, considered by many to be the greatest philosopher in history, never read a single book.

-William Shakespeare, the greatest writer in history, did not know how to type.

-Christopher Columbus, the man who sailed across uncharted oceans in a tiny wooden sailing ship to discover America, never drove a car.

-John D. Rockefeller, once the richest man in the world, was never approved for a credit card.

-Knute Rockne, the legendary Notre Dame football coach, never won a single NCAA championship.

-Amadeus Mozart, perhaps the greatest composer in history, did not even own a radio.

-In his entire lifetime, not a single article about Leonardo da Vinci, one of the greatest scientists and artists in history, ever appeared in a major magazine.

-And Benjamin Franklin, the legendary statesman and inventor, never successfully programmed his own DVR.

Weekly Office

2010-02-04T08:49:00.000-06:00

January 13 - Holly: "Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired." Kevin: "Oh, come on. He's right there. He was hired. Ooh, check it out, hired guy!"

January 14 - "Okay, Dwight, let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them blindly, okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trashcan." (Michael)

January 17 - "Oh, I went zip-lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And I've been in the hospital five weeks now. Still haven't seen the beach." (Toby)

January 18 - "I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted." (Stanley)

January 19 - "When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father." (Jim)

January 20 - "People expect a lot from these meetings: laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings...You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be 'Robin Shyamalan.'" (Michael)

January 21 - Ryan: "That's me and my friend Jasmine from Thailand." Pam: "I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day." Ryan: "You could be hot, too, if you made any effort at all."

Three Different Structures

2010-02-03T08:08:00.000-06:00

#1
The members of the "Order of the Star of the East," who were led by a Hindu mystic named Krishnamurti, held a strange belief about the return of Jesus Christ to this earth. In fact, they believed so strongly that they built a 2,000 amphitheater in 1925 which cost more than $100,000, in anticipation of this event which was to happen. Their strange belief was that Jesus would return to the earth, and in particular to this part of India. He would come walking across the Pacific Ocean to be welcomed by the waiting crowd in the seaside amphitheater. They gathered regularly for the next four years in preparation. When He did not arrive by 1929, this group finally gave up all hope and dissolved.

#2
The "All Saints Church" of Sedlac, located in the former nation of Czechoslovakia, was completely looted of all its decorations and fine ornaments in the year A.D. 1600. However, this congregation was not deterred nor discouraged. These worshipers set about re-decorating their house of worship with human bones. They exhumed nearly 10,000 graves for what must be the most macabre interior in all of Christendom. The highlights are a bony chandelier made up primarily of femurs and hundreds of skulls piled up in the shape of the "Schwarzenberk" family crest. It was all done in the name of Jesus Christ to honor some of His saints. In his well-known collection of books about travel, Fodor calls it a "ghastly fascination" and recommends that you should stop in to take a look.

#3
The world's largest active salt mine is located in Zipaquira, Colombia. Contained as part of the mine, more than 800 feet deep into the mountainside is the unique "Salt Cathedral." A remarkable place of worship...magnificent, yet so earth-bound. The three main corridors have ceilings arching 73 feet high supported by columns of solid salt. It took about six years to excavate and seats up to 5,000 people. It must give a whole new meaning to the statement of Jesus that "you are the salt of the earth" (Matthew 5:13).

So, which ones of these stories is cool? And the flip-side of that coin, which one is utterly ridiculous?

The Good Agent

2010-02-02T09:01:00.000-06:00

Richard Langsam was once the most powerful agent in Hollywood. Representing superstar clients like Clint Eastwood, Barbra Streisand, and Jim Carrey, he could put a $50-million picture into production or end a career with a single phone call. Langsam's reputation as the ultimate take-no-prisoners negotiator had earned him the nickname Richie Nightmare, a sobriquet of which he was so proud he had it stenciled in gold leaf on his reserved parking spot. He was so powerful, it was said, that owners of restaurants so trendy that no one even knew existed actually made reservations at his house for dinner. Other agents looked to him with admiration for inspiration and followed his every more. If he took his car to a certain car wash, for example, that car wash immediately became the place in town to be seen, and every other agent, producer, director, and actor in Hollywood would soon be found lined up behind him.
But in 1991, Richard Langsam made a left turn into history. Coming out of a shopping center, he turned the wrong way into oncoming traffic. The result was a devastating accident. But his will to survive to deal again was so strong--doctors called it a miracle and the rights to his recovery story were purchased for a TV movie--that within six months he returned to work. But he returned a different man.
Although he proudly wore his scars--causing numerous young agents to visit tattoo parlors for facsimile scars--his brush with death had forced him to look his life squarely in the eye. And he did not like the reflection. And so Richard Langsam decided to change the world.
Within months he had founded The Two Percenters, an organization based on his belief that the top 2 percent of American businessmen could foster significant changes in society by working together to educate this nation's children and to provide assistance to people in need.
To support this program, Richard Langsam announced he would donate 2 percent of all profits earned by his giant talent agency and requested that all other agents in the motion picture and television community follow his example. "It is time," he said, "for those of us who have had the great fortune to be part of this wonderful entertainment industry to give back to the people who have made it possible."
Richard Langsam's unusual request did not go unnoticed. In 1992, in the annual vote by all agents for the prestigious Agent of the Year honors, Richard Langsam finished 14,782nd, directly behind the agent representing Bozo the Clown.

The Box & The Lovely Bones

2010-02-01T07:07:00.000-06:00

More than any of my previous blogposts, this one has the potential to be completely random. And let me preface by saying that what I'm going to just utter forth on the lines below are all things that have been buzzing around in my mind for days now, and really I felt compelled to put them down on paper now as opposed to constructing separate blogposts for each one.

-What a clever film we find in THE BOX. You know how most of us have been programmed to watch TV or Movies, and regardless of the climate of the story, the conflict, or even the insurmountable odds of the characters, we always hold out that slight chance that in the very end there will be some redemption...some exemption...some get-out-of-jail-free-squeaky-clean-card...some loophole that circumvents negativity and sets things right in the universe...some Ace of Spade for the final trick.

Well, THE BOX doesn't exactly entertain that mirage. In fact, more than most films, it stays true to its form, not really allowing for the romantic rescue that we have become so sensitized in film today. The story actually reflects the principle of reaping and sowing, and that there are indeed inescapable consequences for our decisions. The writer/director of THE BOX, Richard Kelly, is no stranger to this idea of choices, intricate plot twists, and evolving realities. His brief resume includes Southland Tales and the cult-fav Donnie Darko.

All in all, THE BOX has some very tangible spiritual undertones...greed, love, sacrifice, contentment, victims, suffering, the afterlife, baptism, temptation...I would suggest that you only see it if you're ready to process some of those big life-items, no matter your place in the faith discussion. While it has a great cast, nice pacing, and even some humor for a period movie, it's not a daisies and roses story. Check it out if you dare!

Now, about this Peter Jackson flick, THE LOVELY BONES...well, it just wasn't so lovely to me. In fact, I found it to be quite a tease of a film. The book seemed to have a decent following before Jackson got the movie rolling, but from my vantage point, book sales have skyrocketed lately, particularly around the holidays. I have not read the book, but my wife has, and she really enjoyed it.

It was nice to see Saoirse Ronan (she also appeared in Atonement & City of Ember) not annoy me AS much in this movie...it was creepy how her voice narrations are the thread through the story, and it's very awkward when she keeps flirting with really going into the "wide heaven." I found this struggle a little weaksauce, despite her tragedy and love for her family. Wahlberg and Weisz were solid, Sarandon complimentary, but Stanley Tucci steals the movie. He's Dark and Demented (capital "D's"), and really made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up out of fear for my own kids. In fact, I didn't find the supernatural retribution the book and movie lay out for his demise gratifying at all...I suppose as a father I wanted some earthly justice, ya know?

All in all, it's a solid movie...would it ruin it for you if I mentioned that the author of the story, Alice Sebold, is a rape survivor from her college days @ Syracuse, who eventually single-handedly identified and testified against her attacker? While I celebrate HER story, it would be nice if her novels offered more of that kind of closure. THE LOVELY BONES was sort of Law and Order: SVU meets What Dreams May Come. Not too shabby, but not really sure of what it wants to be, ya know? Enjoy it if you must.

Weekly Office

2010-01-28T08:08:00.000-06:00

January 1 - "My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international; the women, the pancakes, the man of mystery." (Michael)

January 6 - "Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not going to give up that easy. I'm going to make this way harder than it needs to be." (Michael)

January 7 - "Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail it would have to be a formal letter." (Phyllis)

January 8 - "I learned a while back that if I don't text 'nine-one-one,' people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened." (Michael)

January 10 - Pam: "You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing." Michael: "And then she'll move back to Scranton and her boyfriend will die." Pam: "Yeah, maybe. Maybe. One step at a time. You can do this."

January 11 - "At least once a year I like to bring in some of my Kevin's famous chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before, pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malones for generations. It's probably the thing I do best." (Kevin)

January 12 - "What did I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?" (Darryl)

Bono & the Psalms

2010-01-27T07:47:00.000-06:00

The following is an introduction Bono wrote years ago for a little pocket-sized version of the Psalms in KJV language. It's quite revealing and a little quirky, and I hope you gobble it up just a tad.
______________________________________________________________

Explaining belief has always been difficult. How do you explain a love and logic at the heart of the universe when the world is so out of kilter with this? Has free will got us crucified? And what about the dodgy characters who inhabit the tome known as the Bible, who hear the voice of God? Explaining faith is impossible: vision over visibility; instinct over intellect. A songwriter plays a chord with the faith that he will hear the next one in his head.

One of the writers of the psalms was a musician, a harp-player whose talents were required at "the palace" as the only medicine that would still the demons of the moody and insecure King Saul of Israel. It is a thought that still inspires: Marilyn sang for Kennedy, the Spice Girls for Prince Charles.

At the age of 12, I was a fan of David. He felt familiar, like a pop star could feel familiar. The words of the psalms were as poetic as they were religious, and he was a star. Before David could fulfil the prophecy and become the king of Israel, he had to take quite a beating. He was forced into exile and ended up in a cave in some no-name border town facing the collapse of his ego and abandonment by God. But this is where the soap opera got interesting. This is where David was said to have composed his first psalm -- a blues. That's what a lot of the psalms feel like to me, the blues. Man shouting at God -- "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me?" (Psalm 22).

I hear echoes of this holy row when un-holy bluesman Robert Johnson howls, "There's a hellhound on my trail" or Van Morrison sings, "Sometimes, I feel like a motherless child." Texas Alexander mimics the psalms in "Justice Blues": "I cried Lord my father, Lord kingdom come. Send me back my woman, then thy will be done." Humorous, sometimes blasphemous, the blues was backslidin' music but, by its very opposition, it flattered the subject of its perfect cousin, gospel.

Abandonment and displacement are the stuff of my favourite psalms. The Psalter may be a font of gospel music, but for me it's despair that the psalmist really reveals and the nature of his special relationship with God. Honesty, even to the point of anger. "How long, Lord? Wilt thou hide thyself forever?" (Psalm 89), or "Answer me when I call" (Psalm 5).

Psalms and hymns were my first taste of inspirational music. I liked the words, but I wasn't sure about the tunes -- with the exception of Psalm 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd." I remember them as droned and chanted rather than sung. But they prepared me for the honesty of John Lennon, the baroque language of Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen, the open throat of Al Green and Stevie Wonder. When I hear these singers, I am reconnected to a part of me I have no explanation for -- my "soul" I guess.

Words and music did for me what solid, even rigorous, religious argument could never do -- they introduced me to God, not belief in God, more an experiential sense of GOD. Over art, literature, girls, my mates, the way in to my spirit was a combination of words and music. As a result, the Book of Psalms always felt open to me and led me to the poetry of Ecclesiastes, the Song of Solomon, the book of John...My religion could not be fiction, but it had to transcend facts. It could be mystical, but not mythical.

My mother was Protestant, my father Catholic. Anywhere other than Ireland that would be unremarkable. The "Prods" at that time had the better tunes and the Catholics had the better stage-gear. My mate Gavin Friday used to say: "Roman Catholicism is the Glamrock of religion" with its candles and psychedelic colours -- cardinal blues, scarlets and purples -- smoke bombs of incense and the ring of the little bell. The Prods were better at the bigger bells, they could afford them. In Ireland, wealth and Protestantism went together. To have either was to have collaborated with the enemy -- that is, Britain. This did not fly in our house.

After going to Mass at the top of the hill, in Finglas on the north side of Dublin, my father waited outside the little Church of Ireland chapel at the bottom of the hill, where my mother had brought her two sons.

I kept myself awake thinking of the clergyman's daughter and let my eyes dive into the cinema of the stained glass. These Christian artists had invented the movies. Light projected through colour to tell their story. In the Seventies the story was "the Troubles," and the Troubles came through the stained glass, with rocks thrown more in mischief than in anger. But the message was the same: the country was to be divided along sectarian lines. I had a foot in both camps, so my Goliath became religion itself: I began to see religion as the perversion of faith. I began to see God everywhere else. In girls, fun, music, justice and still -- despite the lofty King James translation -- the Scriptures.

I loved these stories for the basest reasons. These were action movies, with some hardcore men and women, the car chases, the casualties, the blood and guts. There was very little kissing.

David was a star, the Elvis of the Bible, if we can believe the chiselling of Michelangelo. And unusually for such a "rock star," with his lust for power, lust for women, lust for life, he had the humility of one who knew his gift worked harder than he ever would. He even danced naked in front of his troops -- the biblical equivalent of the royal walkabout. David was definitely more performance artist than politician.

Anyway, I stopped going to churches and got into a different kind of religion. Don't laugh. That's what being in a rock 'n' roll band is. Showbiz is shamanism, music is worship. Whether it's worship of women or their designer, the world or its destroyer, whether it comes from that ancient place we call soul or simply the spinal cortex, whether the prayers are on fire with a dumb rage or dove-like desire, the smoke goes upwards, to God or something you replace God with -- usually yourself.

Years ago, lost for words and with 40 minutes of recording time left before the end of our studio time, we were still looking for a song to close our third album, War. We wanted to put something explicitly spiritual on the record to balance the politics and romance of it; like Bob Marley or Marvin Gaye would. We thought about the psalms -- Psalm 40. There was some squirming. We were a very "white" rock group, and such plundering of the scriptures was taboo for a white rock group unless it was in the "service of Satan." Psalm 40 is interesting in that it suggests a time in which grace will replace karma, and love will replace the very strict laws of Moses (in other words, fulfil them). I love that thought. David, who committed some of the most selfish as well as selfless acts, was depending on it. That the scriptures are brim full of hustlers, murderers, cowards, adulterers and mercenaries used to shock me. Now it is a source of great comfort.

"40" became the closing song at U2 shows, and on hundreds of occasions, literally hundreds of thousands of people of every size and shape of T-shirt have shouted back the refrain, pinched from Psalm 6: "How long (to sing this song)." I had thought of it as a nagging question, pulling at the hem of an invisible deity whose presence we glimpse only when we act in love. How long hunger? How long hatred? How long until creation grows up and the chaos of its precocious, hell-bent adolescence has been discarded? I thought it odd that the vocalising of such questions could bring such comfort -- to me, too.

But to get back to David, it is not clear how many of these psalms David or his son Solomon really wrote. Some scholars suggest that the royals never dampened their nibs and that there was a host of Holy Ghost writers. Who cares? I didn't buy Leiber and Stoller -- they were just his songwriters. I bought Elvis.

Richard Soll's Incredible List

2010-01-26T07:44:00.000-06:00

In 1975, Five-Year-Old Richard Soll received an assignment from his kindergarten teacher. With the help of a parent, he was to write down ten goals he hoped to accomplish by his twenty-first birthday.
Young Rich Soll was determined to compile his list all by himself. Printing neatly, in pencil, and carefully checking the spelling of words he did not know in the new dictionary given to him by his grandmother, he painstakingly competed this list.
Twenty-two years later, while going through his personal papers, Dr. Richard Soll came across this kindergarten assignment. He smiled broadly. Though he had completely forgotten about the list, he was amazed to discover that he had accomplished each of the ten goals he had set for himself so long ago.
Reprinted here with the doctor's permission is five-year-old Richard's list:

1. Stay up until 10P.M.
2. Sleep with all the lights out in my room.
3. Learn to ride a two-wheeler without training wheels.
4. Don't go to school.
5. Stay home without a baby-sitter.
6. Watch any TV show I want to watch.
7. Save $25.
8. Drive a real car.
9. Don't be afraid to look under my bed.
10. Eat ten pieces of gum at the same time.

American Idol Revealed

2010-01-25T08:25:00.000-06:00

With the new Season underway (#9, I believe, and the supposed last hurrah for Simon), I wanted to share something that my sweet wife Carly sent my way which filled in some burning questions for us.

You see, I'm sitting there in front of the TV wondering how in the world the stadium and arena crowds shrink from 12,000+ to 15-25 per city with the gold tickets. It just seemed like there's not enough time, man power, etc. SO, here's a very fascinating article which really clears up some of the myths and truths of the auditioning process, leading all the way up to Randy Jackson's, "Welcome to Hollywood, baby!" Enjoy!

CLICK FOR THE LINK.

My posts in 2010

2010-01-21T11:45:00.001-06:00

First off, I want to say many thanks to any of you out there who read my silly musings, and especially if you weigh in with comments, opinions, and perspectives. Now, for a great period of 2009, perhaps you noticed I was in rotation with my posts between some distinctive, hilarious quotes from my NBC's The Office Desk Calendar, and David Fisher's Chicken Poop for the Soul. So, many of the short stories that several of you might have assumed were true, or even created by yours truly were nothing more than parodies and straight up non-sense. But they were fun, right?

Well, here's where we headed with the blog in 2010, and certainly I plan on staying as true to this as I can. Here we go:

Monday
Culture and Entertainment: This includes my personal Movie Reviews/Recap, Book Insights/Updates, ETC.

Tuesday
Parodies and Satirical Nonsense: This includes more excerpts from Chicken Poop, as well as new posts from Fractured Fairy Tales by A.J. Jacobs

Wednesday
Bartee Personal Musings: This includes reflections on Jesus, faith perspectives, and spiritual stuff.

Thursday
The Office: Yes, I was blessed again to receive a treasured desk calendar once again, and thus I'll be posting hilarious quotes to get your funny bone ready for the evening viewing.

Friday
Day Off: I try and reserve this day for my family, but I suppose that if I miss a particular posting day, then this would serve as the day to stay current.

So, how's this look to everybody? Thanks, and quite frankly I'm pledging to stay as aggressive with this as I will playing with my kids, finishing my reading lists, and honoring my Creator in prayer...all MAJOR focuses of this next year.

A LOST Sandwhich

2010-01-18T07:37:00.001-06:00

*With the final season of one of the most compelling TV epics fast approaching, allow me the opportunity to wet your appetite with some theme-related humor. Kudos to my brother Payton for sending me this link the other day. Enjoy!

How To Make a Sandwich on the Island:

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout “HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?”
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering “I don’t need no sandwich”
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one’s looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone’s knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich “brother”
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else’s sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you’ll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it’s a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other kaka, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

My Favorite 50

2010-01-14T15:11:00.001-06:00

Well friends, I'm slow as usual with this, but I wanted to spark some discussion via the cinematic realm by releasing MY TOP FILMS OF THE DECADE. Now, there's a total of 50 movies, and certainly I can't include all films, much less the ones that are critically acclaimed and revered by many of you. But, I'm more than happy with this list, and can honestly give solid reasons why I feel each movie has a significant impact on my life (entertaining, perspective, laughter, etc.). I hope all that makes sense.

The movies are grouped together by year, and in order of my preference. I have no way to exhaust and rank them completely, and you'll notice that some years are stronger than others. So, take 90 seconds and scan this list, and may 2010 bring you many happy movie watching experiences!

2000 (4)
-Gladiator
-Meet the Parents
-O Brother, Where art Thou?
-Almost Famous

2001 (6)
-Ocean's 11
-Monster's Inc.
-Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
-Moulin Rouge
-Spy Game
-A Beautiful Mind

2002 (7)
-About a Boy
-Minority Report
-Catch Me if You Can
-We Were Soldiers
-Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
-Signs
-Bowling for Columbine

2003 (5)
-Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
-Finding Nemo
-Open Range
-Old School
-The Last Samurai

2004 (6)
-The Incredibles
-The Passion of the Christ
-Collateral
-The Village
-Supersize Me
-The Polar Express

2005 (4)
-Crash
-Wedding Crashers
-Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
-Cinderella Man

2006 (3)
-The Prestige
-Cars
-Children of Men

2007 (3)
-I am Legend
-Ratatouille
-Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

2008 (8)
-Gran Torino
-The Dark Knight
-Wall-E
-Ironman
-Kung Fu Panda
-Frost/Nixon
-Horton Hears a Who
-Cloverfield

2009 (4)
-Star Trek
-Avatar
-Up
-District 9

Final Weekly Office of 2009

2009-12-31T06:26:00.000-06:00

December 21 - GPS Voice: "Proceed to the highlighted route. Then route guidance will begin." Dwight: "Why do you use that thing? It lets them know where you are, at all times." Michael: "Who?" Dwight: "The government. Spy satellites. Private detectives. Ex-girlfriends."

December 22 - "So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The ones I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor of spending the summer with us at Dunder Mifflin? I think you are very special." (Michael)

December 23 - "I like you. What's not to like. But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course." (Darryl, to Kelly)

December 25 - "Yes, it would have been nice to do well at the first presentation that he had given me. But you know what else would be nice? Winning the lottery." (Michael)

December 26 - Holly: "Andy proposed to one of your accountants." Michael: "Oh wow." Holly: "Yeah. That's as specific as I can be on my first day." Michael: "Well, I could see Andy proposing to Angela. I could also see him proposing to Oscar."

December 28 - Michael: "Come 'ere. I would never say this to her [Pam's] face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist." Oscar: "What? Why wouldn't you say that to her face?"

December 29 - Andy: "You need to set me up with her [Angela]. I know she told you that she was looking and she's totally not responding to my moves." Pam: "What moves?" Andy: "I have moonwalked past accounting like ten times." Pam: "I can't believe that's not working."

The Danger of Little White Lies

2009-12-30T06:30:00.002-06:00

I was waiting for my wife just outside the dressing room of a big department store when an overweight young woman emerged from one of the stalls wearing a tight dress at least two sizes too small. Posing in front of a mirror, she asked the salesperson, "How does it look?"

"Perfect," the salesperson replied, "it's just right."

I couldn't restrain myself. "Are you kidding?" I said helpfully. "She looks like a three-pound kielbasa stuffed into a hot-dog skin."

The customer burst into tears and retreated to the dressing room. The salesperson eyed me sternly. "Why did you do that? It was just a little white lie. It didn't hurt anybody."

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong," I corrected her, "White lies can be very dangerous." And then I told her the sad story of Andy Smith, the man who told little white lies.

"Just like you," I began, "Andy Smith thought little white lies didn't hurt anybody. One day, for example, he was standing in the street next to a very big dog when a woman asked him, 'Does your dog bite?'
"'No,' he said. But when she tried to pet this dog, it bit down hard on her hand, drawing blood.
"'I thought you said your dog didn't bite!' she screamed.
"'He doesn't,' Andy replied with a big smile, 'but this isn't my dog!'
"Another time Andy was in the theater when the leading man suddenly clutched his heart and fell over. One of the actors came to the front of the stage and pleaded, 'Is there a doctor in the house?'
"Andy stood up and shouted, 'Yes!' then moved to the front of the theater. And when he got to the stage and saw the stricken actor, he smiled and said, 'Unfortunately, I'm not him.'
"Finally, one day Andy was flying to California when there was a commotion in the front of the plane. Emerging from the cockpit, a panicked flight attendant shouted, 'Can anybody fly an extremely complicated 757 jumbo jet?'
"Andy couldn't help himself. He had told so many little white lies that it had become second nature to him. He immediately stood up. 'Yes!' he shouted with his usual smile and started making his way to the front of the plane. And when he got there and looked at the complicated controls...Well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened after that."

The salesperson looked at me with new found appreciation. "I see. So what you're saying is--"

"That's right," I interrupted, "in the wrong hands, a little white lie can be fatal!"

"Thank you for sharing that with me, thank you so much. Now I understand why you did that." Then she walked away. But moments later, from somewhere deep inside the dressing room, I heard her voice as she proudly told an unseen customer, "How do you look in that? Are you kidding? You look like an elephant wearing a bikini."

And I smiled contentedly.

Weekly Office

2009-12-24T07:11:00.000-06:00

December 7 - "He has a killer job. He's rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich guy clothes." (Andy, on Ryan)

December 9 - "All of these jobs suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than have to work in any one of these crapholes. They suck." (Michael)

December 10 - "It's so competitive here. What's the dollar worth in your land? Medical school probably costs like forty bucks, or a donkey or something." (Michael, to Vikram, at his telemarketing job)

December 12 - "Justin is the ugly girl in the movie who takes off her glasses and she's hot. And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses, and that you were the blind one. He's the most important thing in my life right now." (Michael)

December 14 - Andy: "What about cash? Cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket. So, it's kinda the best gift ever." Jim: "What about a gift basket full of cash?" Andy: "Yes! Cash baskets! Nice work, Tuna."

December 17 - "This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will do you. No, no, but she has already dated two guys in the office that we know if. So this could be number three." (Michael)

December 18 - Jim: "I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here." Dwight: "Hmm. Well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff."

I Am an Urban Teacher

2009-12-23T06:19:00.000-06:00

-I am an urban teacher.
-I will follow the universal code of urban teachers: Cover me.
-I believe that sexual education is a subject, not an after-school activity.
-I believe that all calibers are to be treated equally.
-I am confident that someday the ringing in my ears will disappear.
-I will never accept bribes when giving report-card grades; though, I will take all threats into consideration.
-I will not consider "The Effects of Drug on Students" an acceptable science project.
-I will always honor the memory of the Vice Principal for Disciplinary Affairs.
-I will never judge students by their race, creed, gender, or religion; only by the quality of their weapon.
-I will never carry cash during school hours.
-I will refuse to allow my chemistry students to make pipe bombs.
-I will never testify against a student.
-I will actively participate in the Parole Officers-Teachers Association.
-I will not permit students to throw food in the cafeteria while the food is still in the can.
-I will happily sell raffle books to raise funds for new batteries for the metal detector.
-I will never reply to a student's demands, no matter how outrageous, with the phrase "Over my dead body."
-I will fight fire with fire...but I will never fire first!
-I will never require my students to conjugate the verbs to confess, to squeal, or to lay.
-I will never enter the boys' room without first saying loudly, "Wait right here, Killer. I'll be right out."
-I will require all students who are absent to bring me a note from their gang leader.
-I am an urban teacher, hear my song: "Help" by the Beatles.

Weekly Office

2009-12-17T08:08:00.000-06:00

November 25 - Dwight: "I'll put you down for irrigating. Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?" Jim: "Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story."

November 28 - "...many cultures revere old people, because of their story-telling ability--like the old lady from Titanic. Or, for the funny things they can do, like 'Where's the beef?'" (Michael)

November 30 - "I don't care what they say about me, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party." (Pam)

December 1 - "So. Hey, come on. Don't be sad. She's in a better place...Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor." (Dwight, about Angela's cat, Sprinkles)

December 2 - (At Dwight's beet farm) Jim: "I'd say one in six." Pam: "What?" Jim: "I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight."

December 3 - Michael: "Pam. Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! We're dying here! I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get the ultra white card stock." Pam: "Are you serious?" Michael: "Yes. And don't call me Shirley."

December 5 - Angela: "Dwight. You have to listen to me. We are not seeing each other anymore. Can you accept that?" Dwight: "Fine. Then I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you."

Struck by Luck

2009-12-16T07:07:00.000-06:00

No one can explain luck. Luck either lays its golden hand on your shoulder or coldly passes by. Paul "Buck" Fisher was not a lucky person. Never once in his entire life had he gotten something for nothing. He'd never won a single prize or met the girl of his dreams. He even had great difficulty finding an empty space in a large parking lot. Good fortune always seemed to be just beyond his grasp.

Life for Buck Fisher became a constant struggle. He had difficulty holding a job, and he was forced to live in dilapidated housing. Finally, desperate, he turned to a life of petty crime. He began by shoplifting, then moved on to stealing handbags and after several years graduated to armed robbery. But even then, luck evaded him. In his very first attempt at armed robbery, he tried to hold up a doughnut shop frequented by police officers. When Buck pulled his toy gun from his belt and announced, "This is a stickup," the five police officers in the shop drew their weapons. In a brief burst of gunfire, Buck Fisher was shot three times in the chest.

An ambulance raced him to the hospital, where surgeons labored six hours to save his life. And there, lying in a hospital operating room, Buck Fisher's luck finally changed!

One bullet had missed his heart by less than a millimeter. Had it been the width of a fingernail closer to his heart, he would have died instantly. While the surgeon was removing that bullet, he happened to notice a bulging aneurysm--a miniature balloon ready to burst--in the aorta leading from Fisher's heart. The surgeon performed a delicate resection, inserting a synthetic graft and eliminating the danger from the aneurysm.

Had Fisher not been shot in the failed robbery attempt, within a few days at most that aneurysm would have burst, killing him. Instead, the bypass saved his life, enabling Paul "Buck" Fisher to serve every single day of his twenty-five-year sentence. Luck had found Buck Fisher in the nick of time.

The Enjoyment of Things

2009-12-11T07:11:00.001-06:00

Time is moving crazy fast, and I've just been trying to soak up small chunks of fun stuff lately, and wanted to share what can only be described as a random assortment of lists...hope you can track all this, and feel free to chime in where you agree/disagree/have an opinion. I'm gonna try and rank them in order of enjoyment. Peace.

Movies I've Recently Seen
1. A Christmas Carol (in IMAX 3-D)
2. Where the Wild Things Are
3. The Box
4a. District 9 (2nd time around)
4b. Zombieland
5. My Sister's Keeper (sob-fest, beware my friends)
6. Twilight: New Moon
7. Year One (what exactly were they thinking?)

Books Swirling Around My Brain
1. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
2. The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
3. You Have What it Takes (what every father needs to hear) by John Eldredge
4. Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn

TV Shows from THIS FALL
1. Modern Family
2. The Office
3. V
4. Glee
5. 30 Rock (only because it started so slowly out of the gate)
6. Heroes
7. Community
8. Scrubs

Next Up for my Viewing Pleasure
1. The Blind Side
2. Fantastic Mr. Fox
3. The Princess and the Frog
4. 2012
5. Law Abiding Citizen
6. Precious

The Anticipation is Brewing
1. LOST
2. Sherlock Holmes
3. Robin Hood
4. Invictus
5. 24
6. Avatar (in IMAX 3-D only)
7. Wall Street 2

Weekly Office

2009-12-10T09:09:00.001-06:00

November 13 - "There's no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now. And maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since...World War II. Fifty years, she is the best." (Michael)

November 15 - "Michael, '5K' means five kilometers, not five thousand miles..." (Pam)

November 17 - "Hey, Ryan. It's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck." (Jim, upon watching Ryan get arrested on YouTube)

November 18 - "Hey, bro. Been meaning to ask you--can we get some Red Bull for these things [vending machines]? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater." (Creed, to Ryan)

November 20 - "Dunder--that, okay, see, security is coming, so I just want to say come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin--a great place to work. Anybody? Show of hands? Anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit. We cannot give you any sort of pay. But it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time. And drive safe!" (Michael)

November 23 - Ryan: "Let me say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect, I am your boss now; you're going to have to treat me the same way you treated Jan." Michael: "Oh, wow. Mmm--that's a little kinky."

November 24 - "My whole life I have known two things--I love sex, and I wanna have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand. But now I think it might be one or the other." (Michael)

A Most Incredible Life!

2009-12-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

He was born in darkest Africa when rare Siamese-twin weak-beaked pigeons collided with the propeller of the single-engine biplane in which his pregnant mother was flying. Incredibly, the propeller perfectly separated the two birds, who had been joined at the beak, allowing both of them to survive! The plane crashed, but his mother was thrown 265.5 feet, setting a new world record for airplane-crash survivors, miraculously landing safely in the thick down nest of the Eekie ostrich, a bird that cannot fly but runs as fast as thirty-four miles per hour, when pursued, and is the only known mammal to have no offspring!

She was found there by an albino round nose gorilla, who often grow to be more than eight feet tall and survive on the sap of the beer tree--which yields a liquid remarkably similar in taste and alcoholic content to malt liquor--and carried to the gorilla's den, where her child was born with a large birthmark on his chest in the exact shape of the continent of Africa!

Within a year mother and child were rescued by a party of ten explorers searching for the fabled Lost Tribe of Jungman, who according to legend are born and survive without a sense of humor! In a most amazing coincidence, each member of this rescue party had been born on the twelfth of March, a 2,333,768,343-to-1 chance! On the voyage home, their ship was about to sail into a field of giant icebergs, one of which had been carved by the hand of God as an exact ice portrait of Abraham Lincoln, but they were miraculously saved when a pod of great green whales appeared and nudged the ship to safety, only to disappear never to be seen again!

The ship arrived in New York on the same day that the world's largest venetian blind, consisting of 52,132 slats, was unfurled from the top of the Empire State Building! In New York his mother rented the apartment that had once been the home of Indian fakir Bebe Beebesh, who for the last thirty-five years of his life never spoke a single word that did not begin with the letter B, ending on his deathbed with his last words: "Bye bye."

As a seven-year-old boy he learned to play the piano and startled the world of music by composing the Symphony in C-flat, consisting of the note C-flat repeated eighteen thousand times, making it the longest song with only one note ever written! He was enrolled by his mother in the prestigious Wickshire school, where one of his classmates, Andrew Fox, astonished his friends by simultaneously smoking twenty-four cigarettes before collapsing!

Although he was not born into the Jewish faith, at age thirteen he was bar mitzvahed in a service in which he dumbfounded his relatives by reading a portion of the Torah in ancient Latin, a language in which he had never taken a single lesson, which turned out to be the highlight of this unorthodox bar mitzvah!

Forsaking college, he tried many careers. His first great success was the invention of the game Anti-Monopoly, although he made no money because he gave away all his rights! Eventually, though, he had another idea, and this crazy notion would eventually make him world famous. For this young man's name was Robert Ripley, the creator of Ripley's Believe It or Not!

Believe it or not.

Weekly Office

2009-12-03T08:08:00.002-06:00

November 1 - Michael: "Hey, what the hell is going in here? Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going away gift?" Dwight: "You did." Michael: "No!" Dwight: "You made me wrap it."

November 5 - "Holly is sweet and simple. Like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth--I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level." (Michael)

November 6 - "If I was twenty-two and I had lots of time to have lots of children, sure, then let Michael have a shot at one of them. But honestly, I need to make this one count." (Jan)

November 7 - "I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer; you e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even." (Jan)

November 9 - Holly: "It was a pretty good company but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up." Michael: "That's what she--! A lot of places are like that."

November 10 - "Hey, there he us! There he is--he's back and he's with a beard! He has facial hair! Look at him. All grown up and no place to go. Hello Mr. Sonny Crockett. I'm Tubbs." (Michael, to Ryan)

November 11 - "Michael, do you remember you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said, 'It only takes one sheet to make a difference.' And I said, 'Are you sure, Michael?' And you said, 'Pam! Pam! Pam!' And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, 'Don't worry, it's just allergies.' Do you remember that?" (Pam)

Random Acts

2009-12-02T09:35:00.002-06:00

Brian McLane had read with fascination about the random-acts-of-kindness movement that had spread across the nation. For absolutely no reason, people were doing nice things for strangers. According to these stories, committing random acts of kindness made them feel good about themselves. Brian McLane was not a happy person, so he decided to try it: One night, for example, he was in a bar and he bought a drink for a complete stranger, a woman he had never seen before. But within in a few minutes, she left alone. A few days later a store cashier gave him too much change, and rather than risk embarrassing her in front of the store manager, he kept the money. In a restaurant the woman sitting behind him left her pocketbook hanging wide open on the back of her chair and he didn't take her wallet.

But none of these things made him feel better about himself. Deep inside, he still felt angry and alienated. He still yelled at his family and friends for no reason. One day, though, as he walked down a New York street, he suddenly felt a strong urge to kick over a garbage pail. With one strong kick he sent it careening down the block. And as he watched the garbage being strewn all over the sidewalk, he felt a wave of satisfaction flow through his entire body. For the first time in months, he felt good about himself. In fact, he felt strong and powerful.

Brian McLane had committed his very first random act of hostility.

The next day, as he strolled down the same New York street, for absolutely no reason he snapped in half the antennas on five different cars! And doing so without taking credit made him feel wonderful. A few hours later he knocked over a pile of newspapers in front of a candy store, and the warm glow he felt as he watched the wind blow papers all over the street convinced him he'd discovered something quite special. And this was the beginning of the random-acts-of-hostility movement.

Once Brian McLane discovered how good being bad made him feel, he couldn't stop. On trains he would forcibly squeeze into a space between two people that was much too small, then play his radio as loud as possible. In movie theaters he would shout out the identity of the killer in the middle of the film. In restaurants he'd spill drinks on people, and he just loved calling up strangers in the middle of the night. These random acts made him feel like a different person. Even his family and friends noticed the difference in him. He had become so nice they wondered what was wrong. Eventually, Brian McLane shared the secret of his happiness. Initially many people objected. It wasn't nice, they pointed out.

That was exactly the point, Brian McLane said. Reluctantly, people tried it. At first it was difficult; most people had spent so long following the laws they had forgotten how to be bad. But it quickly came back. And after their first few random acts of hostility, many people found themselves enjoying a sensation they hadn't experienced in years; they were free to be bad! And it felt just great. The simple act of kicking over a garbage pail was the most liberating thing many people had experienced in years. It changed their lives, giving them an outlet for all their frustrations, making them happier with themselves and easier to be with at home and at work.

Brian McLane hadn't set out to the change the world when committed that first simple random act of hostility. But from that small piece of garbage, his movement has spread across the world!

Weekly Office

2009-11-26T09:22:00.000-06:00

October 23 - "Best ad ever: 'Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that--' I am totally blanking. What is the thing?...'Claude-Van-Damme'...'Hair-for-men'...'Poi-son-gas'...'Nu-tri-sweet'...It's got to rhyme with 'piece'...'Fan-cy-feast!' 'Break me off a piece of that Fan-cy-feast!' It's a cat food. Nailed it." (Andy)

October 24 - "Excuse me! If you can hear me, I would like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on! I mean, I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde. The Air Force? Air Force is cool." (Michael)

October 26 - "I talked to her. Holly. Just pleasantries - nothing, you know, not like, do you want kids, or religion, or what side of the bed you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point." (Michael)

October 27 - "Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself. I did. Yes, you did. Can I go to the bathroom. No. I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water. You went five minutes ago. That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question. You still have to answer it. First can I go to the bathroom. No." (Stenographer, during Michael's deposition)

October 28 - "Hey, how ya doin'? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you should limit himself. You could be a classy janitor. Or a cashier with dignity. Or a migraine worker. A career in paper isn't for everyone. Maybe for you paper should be more of a hobby." (Michael)

October 29 - "I'll let you in on a little secret: I have very much been looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'." (Michael)

October 30 - "No, no, no. Pam, let [the phones] ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. 'Cause this is really good. This is really good. My heart soars with the eagle's nest." (Michael)

The Importance of Friendship (according to Allison Lamar)

2009-11-25T16:38:00.000-06:00

When I was a little girl, I had no friends. I had nobody to play with, nobody to tell all my secrets. But when I was four or five years old, a very special person came into my life. She was my best friend, the friend who was always at my side, through good times and bad; she was my imaginary friend, Irma.

Irma taught me the importance of friendship, and I've never forgotten that. I think real friendship is about the most valuable thing there is, and I do anything for my friends.

Irma accepted me exactly as I was. She was pretty and smart and nice, and very confident. She was everything I knew I would never be. She wasn't even afraid of adults. We would play together by ourselves for hours and hours. We would play with my dolls and we would dress up in Mom's clothes. We never, ever had a single fight, and we trusted each other with our most important secrets. My mom and dad thought Irma was really cute, and they let her live with me in my room. Mom would even set a place for her at the dinner table.

But sometimes Irma could be very silly. Once, I remember, she went into Daddy's wallet when he was fast asleep and took $30. Then she hid the money under my mattress. When my Mom found it, she was very mad at me. I told Mom that my invisible friend, Irma, had taken Dad's money, but Mom didn't believe me. She yelled at me a lot. Irma got really mad when Mom said she wasn't really, so she collected all these dead spiders and cockroaches and put them in Mom's shoes. Mom sure was angry when she found them. Irma and I laughed and laughed.

Irma was my best friend in the whole wide world. We went everywhere together. I took her to birthday parties with me even though she was never invited. She went to school with me and during tests she would peek at my neighbor's paper and whisper the answers to me. And she always protected me just like a best friend should. Like there was this boy in my school who was always teasing me? So one day, Irma tripped him and he fell down two flights of stairs.

Irma and I always had so much fun together. When I got older, I started going out with boys. Irma didn't mind, she just wanted me to be happy. And if a boy I liked didn't like me, Irma would go to his house at night and scratch his parents' car. When one boy was really mean to me and called me names, Irma tried to set fire to his house. I don't think anybody ever had such a good friend.

When I went to see Dr. Shaw for my headaches, he told me that Irma was "a little crazy," and that I should make her go away. But I knew that that was not how really close friends treat each other. Real friendship means sticking by someone even when they do something you don't like. And I'll bet anything that Dr. Shaw stopped thinking that after Irma "fixed" the brakes on his car. But I guess no one will ever know what he was thinking all the way down that hill.

When Bobby and I decided to get married, I was afraid Irma would be jealous, but she wasn't, she was really happy for me. I told Bobby about her right away. I thought Bobby might want her to move out, but he didn't; mostly he just pretended she wasn't even there.

Lately, though, Bobby and Irma have become real good friends. In fact, at night sometimes, Bobby gets all dressed up and tells me, "I'm going to take Irma out for a few hours." And then sometimes they stay out all night.

It makes me sad when they leave me home alone, but I don't complain. If I was jealous of Irma, I wouldn't really be a very good friend. Besides, when Bobby goes out with Irma, my new imaginary friend comes to visit. His name is Ted. And he works in the brake repair shop. I think Bobby is going to meet Ted soon.

Motivated By...

2009-11-22T07:07:00.000-06:00

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity...she went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "No." "Well, then, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

The Daring Dozen

2009-11-20T10:10:00.001-06:00

So, after just finishing 2 awesome books in the last 3-4 days, I sense it's finally time to get after it with some aggressive reading. I've got an arsenal of sa-weet stuff that I'm confident will bless, inspire, and enlarge my perspective and passion for Jesus. Oh, and the 2 recent reads? Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell and The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. One highlighted how unifying and life-altering suffering can be (with God right there with us), the other bolding challenging the followers of Christ to reengage in an Acts 2, mission-minded care of one another, specifically the poor.

One of the things that will take a tad more time in the reading of these books is that I'm spending a few extra moments at the end to go back through the pages where stuff leaped off the page at me. The kinds of things that I'll want to share, pass on, and bless others with. So, without further delay, here's the 12 books I'm beginning my reading frenzy with:

1. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
2. Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
3. Crazy Love by Francis Chan
4. The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
5. Sex God by Rob Bell
6. The Feast by Josh Graves
7. The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
8. They Like Jesus But Not The Church by Dan Kimball
9. I Sold My Soul on Ebay by Hemant Mehta
10. The Monkey and The Fish by Dave Gibbons
11. The Jesus Creed by Scot McKnight
12. The Hidden Power of Electronic Culture by Shane Hipps

I look forward to the deep, soul-riveting insights that these dozen reads will bring out in the coming months...stay tuned.

Weekly Office

2009-11-19T09:11:00.001-06:00

October 12 - Michael: "I am downloading...music for a CD mix tape...for Holly, and I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels." Jim: "What are the two levels?" Michael: "The two levels being 'Welcome to Scranton' and 'I love you.'"

October 14 - "I am totally going to bang Holly. She is cute and helpful and she really seems into me." (Kevin)

October 15 - "Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds you stand alone, my friend." (Michael, to Toby during his exit interview)

October 16 - "Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was, no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears." (Michael)

October 20 - Michael: "This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me." Jim: "That's really sweet. And you can think that, but you don't say that out loud and you definitely don't say that to her."

October 21 - Dianne: "Are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February, as you previously testified?" Michael: "Line." Dianne: "I'm sorry, what?" Ted: "He asked for a line. Like in a play."

October 22 - Dwight: "Excuse me, where do you think you're going? Oh, no, no, no, no. You are not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will...He left. Last I checked, the American work day ends at 5P.M. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or your will suffer the consequences." Phyllis: "What consequences?" Dwight: "I will tell on you."

Timothy Johnson's Last Wish

2009-11-18T09:11:00.000-06:00

Little Timmy Johnson was a very sick boy. The doctors had tried hard, but they could do nothing more to help him. Timmy wasn't scared, but he had one wish. He wanted to receive postcards from all over the world, more postcards than anyone else had gotten in his whole life; enough postcards to get him into the Guinness Book of World Records, where he would live forever and ever.

When his mom told a reporter for the local newspaper, the Clarion, they printed a big story on the front page. Only 780 people lived in Mapletown, but just about every one of them mailed a postcard to little Timmy. They sent hundreds and hundreds; picture postcards and funny postcards, postcards from faraway places like Nebraska, postcards with a picture of a dog pulling down a baby's diaper. The second-grade class even made postcards from shirt cardboard for Timmy. There were so many postcards that poor Mrs. Peterson, who ran the local post office, was just about overwhelmed. And the mailman, old Mr. Burns, who had carried the mail on his aching back for forty years, could barely even lift his mailbag.

But still little Timmy was very sad. Hundreds of postcards were not nearly enough to earn him a place in the Guinness book. And just when he was about to give up, a producer on the ABC Evening News heard about Timmy's plight and decided to help him. That night Peter Jennings told the nation about Timmy's last wish, and the very next day postcards began arriving. Hundreds of postcards, then thousands, then tens of thousands arrived every day. Newspapers and magazines carried the heartwarming story, and even more postcards arrived. More postcards than anyone had ever imagined arrived from every state, and then they began coming from Europe and Asia and even little islands in the Pacific Ocean that no one ever knew existed.

There were so many postcards nobody knew what to do with them. Old Mr. Burns tried to deliver a sackful one day and made it about fifty feet from the post office before he keeled over and died. Mrs. Peterson lasted almost a month before the stress got her and they had to put her in the loony home. With so many postcards arriving daily no other mail could get through. Bills weren't delivered so they couldn't be paid causing hundreds of people in town to lose their phone service and electricity. The most terrifying words anyone had ever heard became "The check is in the mail." Stores couldn't bill their customers or reach them by phone, so within three months most of the shops on Main Street had to shut their doors.

And still the postcards continue to arrive by the tens of thousands. It was the most mail anyone had ever gotten. People from all over the world were trying to fulfill little Timmy Johnson's last wish. It made them all feel so good.

With the town pretty much shut down, except for the convoys of big mail trucks that roared down Main Street all day and night, people started packing up and leaving. Families that had lived happily in Mapletown for generations boarded up their homes and left. Mapletown became a ghost town.

But then, an amazing thing happened. A miracle, some people said. Little Timmy woke up one morning and his pain was gone. He could breathe easily. The doctors attributed his incredible recovery to his joy at receiving more postcards than anyone else in history and earning his place in the Guinness book. Little Timmy Johnson was cured!

The news of his recovery spread slowly, so the postcards continued to arrive. No one could stop it. By that point the town was pretty much deserted and Timmy had no one to play with. So each day he would try to climb to the top of his postcard mountain, which continued to grow and grow and grow. Eventually it was estimated that Timmy had received 12 million postcards from every state and more than ninety countries around the world!

All traces of his disease seemed to have disappeared. But sometimes fate is not so kind. The disease had simply been in brief remission. One morning he awoke and it had returned. A few days later, Little Timmy peaceful passed away. His doctors reported that he had died with a smile on his face, knowing that he would live forever in the Guiness Book of World Records.

As the news of Little Timmy Johnson's death spread around the world, the deluge of postcards ended. A few days later the citizens of Mapletown began returning. Once again, people dreamed of living there. They took the boards off their homes and reopened the stores. Mapletown was slowly coming back to life.

And then the first condolence card arrived...

Weekly Office

2009-11-12T08:11:00.002-06:00

October 3 - "Schrute Farms, Guten Tag, how can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those dates. How many in your party?...Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds...No queen beds either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes...Well, closest would be twin...Thank you so much for calling, call back again. Auf Wiedersehen!" (Dwight)

October 5 - "Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked." (Dwight)

October 6 - "Earlier today, Stanley sassed me. And Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him and they did not work. Obviously, because they were stupid. So I am not going to fake fire him." (Michael)

October 7 - "You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath her. So...sorry. Question: Are you real, or are you a Holly-gram?" (Michael)

October 8 - "I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing is perfect. And that is the first time I ever used the word 'perfect' in here." (Pam)

October 9 - Diane: "Mr. Scott, the timeline is actually very important here. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?" Michael: "Well, depends on how do you define 'begin'? I mean, if it's from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, it's like two years ago...If it was from the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that."

October 11 - "Goodbye, old friend. May all your roads be downhill and the wind be on your back windshield." (Andy)

The Going-Away Present

2009-11-11T10:22:00.001-06:00

Emma Hyde-Pruitt could have lived a life of incredible luxury. Born into one of London's top-hat families in the 1860s, she was destined to take her place among the fashionable set at Ascot. When she was seventeen, a fabulously wealthy duke asked for her hand in marriage. But the strong-willed young woman shocked the tony set by rejecting her suitor, for she had a far more important mission in mind.

As a young girl, Emma had ridden in her carriage through the mean streets of London's slums. There she had seen the children in their tattered rags, their emaciated bodies desperate for a few morsels. She gave what monies she could as a child, but as she grew older, she knew that it would not be enough. She could feed a few children for a few days, but what she really wanted to do was change their lives. So Emma Hyde-Pruitt did what no other woman of her social standing had ever done--she attended teaching college and eventually gained her license to teach!

Day and night she would roam London's dangerous "throat-cutter" alleys, gathering groups of children to teach them to read and write. If she could educate but a few, she knew, she could provide hope for all of them. Forsaking her fashionable life, Emma Hyde-Pruitt became a fixture in the slums.

When the public learned of her noble deeds, she became one of the most beloved people in London, "the Angel of the Alleys."Emma had but one dream for herself. As she was growing up, she would sit upon her father's knee, and he would regale her with tales of the great queens of the ocean, the fleet Atlantic liners. To sail one day aboard one of these great ships remained her lifelong wish; but with the family fortune given away to the needy, she knew that would never be possible.

Or so she thought. As Emma Hyde-Pruitt approached her fiftieth birthday, her students, young and old, began pooling their money for a grand surprise. Hundreds of them gave what pittance they could, a farthing here, half a sixpence there, but they all gave. And on the occasion of her fiftieth birthday, hundreds of people whose lives she had changed gathered around as she was given the gift of their love for her: a first-class ticket on the maiden voyage of the Titanic.

Weekly Office

2009-11-05T08:08:00.001-06:00

September 23 - "Hi, yeah, right, okay. Well, they fired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here. My job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I, and only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm going to win." (Michael)

September 24 - "I just, I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug." (Michael, to Meredith after her with his car and cracking her pelvis)

September 25 - Darryl: "Well see. In the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers." Michael: "What is that?" Darryl: "That's where somebody really gets up in your face, you just start tickling him." Michael: "Really?" Darryl: "Yeah. And then he starts tickling you, and pretty soon you laughing and hugging...'fore you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing, and you all can just go to church and get an ice cream cone."

September 27 - "Thanks to Toby, I have a strong prejudice against human resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider, though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extra-terrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet." (Michael)

September 29 - "People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So I used to just hang out with the sailing club instead. Got my knot on." (Andy)

September 30 - "What is wrong with this woman? She is asking about stuff that's nobody's business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down. Qua-something. Qua. Quash. Quarbo. Quabity. Quabity assuance. No. No, no, no, but I'm getting close. (Creed)

October 1 - "I've got a mad-lib for you. A stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight." (Dwight)

A Meditation for Investment Bankers

2009-11-04T09:11:00.001-06:00

"A pessimist is someone who doesn't believe his book about torture, murder, and brutality will sell, while an optimist is someone who believes it will." (Sir Roger Woolmuth)

One day I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford to rent a chateau in the south of France for the summer, until on that same day I met an investment banker who couldn't afford his own chauffeured limousine. And that investment banker had been feeling sorry for himself until he met an investment banker who couldn't afford a state-of-the-art digital sound system for his media room. And he had been feeling sorry for himself until he met an investment banker who couldn't afford to ear Armani. And she had been feeling sorry for herself until she met an investment banker who couldn't afford custom-made Loeb shoes.

But the very next day the stock market went up eleven points and all of us were able to afford all of these things that we wanted.

Weekly Office

2009-10-29T09:09:00.002-05:00

September 7 - "Uh...kind of a good news and bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her." (Michael)

September 8 - "So many memories in this old gym. Pretending to have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball. Pretending to have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball...those were the days." (Pam)

September 10 - Margaret: "I'm gonna head out." Michael: "Oh, okay. Well, um, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus." Margaret: "That's incredibly rude." Michael: "Now you ruined it."

September 11 - Dianne: "Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to as...'Just as hot as Jan but in a different way.'" Michael: "Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking, best friend."

September 18 - Michael: "Ugh, Toby's replacement. Wow." Dwight: "So what do we know about her?" Michael: "Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. Strike one. I hate her already."

September 21 - Pam: "That's [a single sheet of paper] all we brought." Michael: "This is all we need." Oscar: "We'll see." Michael: "Yes, we will see, Oscar. We will see because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities. Conceptual. Alright. We are open for business."

September 22 - "A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless." (Creed)

This Old House

2009-10-28T08:48:00.000-05:00

The Old House isn't too much to look at anymore. The shutters are off their hinges and the roof is missing a lot of shingles; some of the windows are cracked and the wooden boards are desperate for a new coat of paint. But to me, it's still beautiful, the most beautiful house in the world.

No matter what anyone tells you, a house isn't made of brick and wood, it's made of memories, and as I look around this old house in which I grew up, the memories come flooding back into my mind. There, right in the center of the living room, there's the bare spot on the rug where our big old dog, Spot, used to settle in the for the night. Spot's spot, we used to call it. And just a few feet away, behind the couch, there's my secret hiding place, the place I would hide every night when I heard Dad stumbling home from the bar.

Everywhere I look I see memories. To my adult eyes the room I shared with my sister seems so small, but once it seemed like the biggest room in the world. Coats of paint have long since covered the walls, but in my mind as I look at those walls, I can still see the messages my sister used to write to Satan.

Oh, how many hundreds of hours did I spend sitting at the old kitchen table doing my homework as Mom cooked dinner? When I run my fingers over the wall, I can still feel the plaster filling the bullet holes Dad made when he accidentally fired a clip from the semiautomatic weapon that he didn't know was loaded. Boy, until that day I never knew Mom could move so fast. Dad was so embarrassed when he got sobered up. We all laughed at that one, except Spot, of course. Poor old Spot.

As I climb the creaky wooden staircase, I can't help but remember all the games we played there. If I look at the steps real closely, I can still see traces of the skid marks left by Grandma's wheelchair as she tried to put on the brake. Mom sure didn't think Roll Grandma Down the Stairs was a funny game. Well, we couldn't play it without Grams anyway. Poor old Grandma.

Walking into the tiny room Dad built for Grandma and Grandpa, I have to remember to duck so I don't bang my head against the low ceiling beam. How we used to laugh every time we heard the unmistakable thump when Grampa forgot it was there and walked straight into it. I can still remember Mom telling me after we heard that sound, "dear, go upstairs and revive your grandpa." And looking around the room, there isn't even a single sign of the fire. There's not even an ax mark in the door where the firemen broke it down. Poor old Grampa.

The attic smells as musty and stuffy as it did when I was five years old. I used to hide up there for hours, just waiting for my sister to sneak up there with another one of the older boys from the neighborhood. And looking out the window, I can still see the tiny little claw marks left on the windowsill by Buck, the cat, as he tried to hold on as my sister pushed him out.

The basement is as damp and dark as I remember it. It was down in the basement that Dad used to play scary games with us like Hang the Pet. In fact, there's still a little piece of rope hanging from one of the beams. As I feel the cool cement on my feet, I remember how careful I used to be. Dad always warned us that it was bad luck to step on an animal's grave.

There'll be a For Sale sign on the old house pretty soon now. Someone will buy it, fix it up, and make it look brand-new. And they'll start building their own treasure chest of memories there. But for me, it will always be my house, the house in which I learned all about life.

Weekly Office

2009-10-22T09:22:00.000-05:00

August 19 - "Now okay, I know that this is probably not appropriate but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And before that happens, I need to be in love...I am a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away. So this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour. Or you are fired." (Michael)

August 20 - "Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came in extra early. So much energy. There are certain days that you know that you will remember for the rest of your life. And I just have a feeling that today is one of those days." (Michael)

August 21 - "Okay, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales, Oscar will be in charge of accounting, Pam will be eye candy...No, and also because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. You don't have to worry about internships with them because they definitely ain't going to college!" (Michael)

August 23 - Schneider: "Did Ms. Levenson say why she thought she was being fired?" Michael: "She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them." Schneider: "Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?" Michael: "To be delicate--they hang off milady's chest. They make milk."

August 25 - "Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever and, ah, we need to do something very, very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets." (Michael)

August 30 - Michael: "We were joshing around. The two of us. And he said, 'Did I stutter?' And I said, 'Wha-wha-wha-what dog.' It was joking Toby, alright?" Toby: "He didn't seem like he was joking." Michael: "Well you don't get it. Because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man. And you're you. If you had any friends, you would understand friends joke with one another. 'Hey, you're poor.' 'Yeah, well, your mama's dead.' That's what friends do. It's...you're so white."

September 3 - Pam: "You mean 'leaves' as in 'dies'? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans funeral?" Michael: "If the devil were to explode and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?"

The Truth About Them

2009-10-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

Throughout history, brave men and women of science have been willing to risk scorn and ridicule to defend unpopular beliefs. For almost twenty-five years Professor Lawrence Kimball worked alone on a secret project in a dingy basement laboratory at the Institute of Human Studies. When he was not there, his lab was locked and no one, not even maintenance, was permitted entry. He never discussed his project with his colleagues, hinting only that he was on the verge of a discovery that might someday earn him recognition in the annals of science.

Finally, at the annual symposium, he asked to be recognized. Striding to the podium, his glasses falling down his nose, his wild hair flowing in a slight breeze, he cleared his throat and said, "I am pleased to be able to report the results of the study of my lifetime. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found irrefutable evidence that there is a direct relationship between breast size and intelligence!"

The room erupted. Angry voices shouted at him. The director of the institute stood up and said, "I can tell you, Professor Kimball, that that is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard."

Professor Kimball did not back down in the face of ridicule. As men of science have done for hundreds of years, he defended his research. "Not only that," he shouted above the din, "my research shows that results are the same whether the subject has breast implants or natural breasts!"

"This is absurd," the director said, "this is ridiculous."

"You're wrong," the professor insisted, holding up his thick report. "I have proof. It is right here. There can no longer be any doubt, the larger the breasts, the dumber the man."

Holy Wow

2009-10-19T15:53:00.001-05:00

So, I'm trying to process last Wednesday. Carly and I went and took in what Louie Giglio described a "Spacecity Church," and by that I'm referring to U2. My brother Payton wrote a great blogpost highlighting that seeing them in concert should be on folks "Bucket Lists," and certainly I would agree. I've got some interesting takeaways and perspectives from our experience.

-U2 is the biggest band in the world. Period. I don't care who you have liked, or who used to be good and famous...RIGHT NOW, there's not a person or group that can pack it in like they can.

-It's an enormously diverse crowd that comes out for U2...ages, appearances, languages, tastes. Only reinforces the truth that their music is so universally appealing.

-Bono can still hit the notes. While he's not the most inviting, interactive entertainer (think engaging the crowd to join, jump, wave, etc), he does very well. His stage presence and showmanship of their ballads is super.

-The EDGE is the real force behind U2. How did I miss this all these years? So, I guess most people just associate Bono with the creative mojo of U2 because he's the front man, the political voice, the one with the cool shades. But, the EDGE can straight up jam, create the ridiculous rhythms which has made their songs timeless, and oh, by the way he can SING as well. A defining moment for me was when Bono took the time to introduce the band, and referred to The EDGE as "Our Captain." That's respect and deserved honor for The MAN.

-U2 brings the faith/change agent element. This was evident in the "Amazing Grace" interlude, the comment of "Let's have a little church here tonight" before we all belted out "Where the Streets Have No Name," and was realized in the simplicity of "One" and spectacle of "Walk On." Bono even sang a prayer for Aung San Suu Kyi which was very moving.

-While it was a little large for my interactive/participatory tastes, it was a visually stimulating show nonetheless, worth every cent. I mean, they pretty much did everything they could to overcome they fact that they are in a STADIUM and try to connect. Crazy lights, plethora of speakers, state-of-art screens, illuminated jacket and hanging rope mic, and of course the spaceship.

-Their anthems of faith, life, perspective, love, and politics may reach more people than many of the songs I've sang all my life. So, I want to celebrate the vessel that they are for our Creator, flash, flaws and all.

Weekly Office

2009-10-15T09:11:00.000-05:00

August 1 - "Hello Oscar Meyer Weiner Lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends, who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your...condition." (Michael)

August 3 - "Today, I'm headed over to the job fair at Valley View High School to find some new interns. Wanna get some fresh blood. I'm intern-shopping. Um, youthanize this place." (Michael)

August 5 - "There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?' He said, 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'" (Pam)

August 6 - "When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then we you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip, snap, snip, snap, snip, snap! I did. You have no idea, the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children." (Michael)

August 7 - "Oh my God. Pam, those [glasses] make you look so ugly. Pam, in order to get hotter, you take glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction." (Michael)

August 12 - "I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-size rowboat support her without capsizing? It bothers me that you are not answering the question." (Michael)

August 14 - "Well, this is what happened: Ryan's big project was the website, which wasn't doing well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice--once as 'office' sakes, and once as 'website' sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard." (Oscar)

Table Manners

2009-10-14T08:08:00.001-05:00

There was once a time when the Fork was King of the Table. Proud and alone, the fork ruled his domain. And there was peace and harmony on the tabletop. Everything was fine--until the night that soup was served.

The fork could not lift the soup. He tried and tried, but there was nothing he could do. Each time he dipped into the soup, it dribbled through his long, thin tines. Finally, the spoon, the fork's oldest enemy, came along. "I can lift the soup," said the spoon.

Reluctantly, the fork accepted the assistance of the spoon. Together, the fork realized, they could be even more powerful. Working as a team, it seemed as if there was nothing they could not accomplish. And once again, everything on the tabletop was peaceful--until the night that meat was served.

The fork and the spoon worked together, but as hard as they tried, they could not cut the meat. Finally, the knife, the enemy of both the fork and the spoon, came along. "I can cut the meat," said the knife.

Reluctantly, the fork and the spoon accepted the assistance of the knife. The knife cut the meat and the fork picked it up. Together, the fork, the spoon, and the knife were all-powerful. Working as a team, there was truly nothing they could not accomplish.

And so, for a time, peace and harmony reigned on the tabletop. For it was true; working together, the fork and the spoon and the knife were able to accomplish all that was demanded of them. But then one dark knight, lemon meringue pie was served. The knife said quickly, "I can cut it." The spoon said pleasantly, "And I can pick it up." But the fork said, "I can cut it and pick it up."

So once again, there was distrust on the tabletop. And while the spoon was busily occupied picking up the lemon meringue pie, the fork whispered to the knife, "You know, we don't really need the spoon. And if we get rid of him, there'll be more for us!" So while the spoon's handle was turned, the fork and the knife pushed him off the table.

For a time, there was an uneasy peace on the tabletop. Then one day a big piece of chocolate cake was served. Chocolate cake was the fork's favorite dessert. The fork cut into the cake and picked it up. It was delicious! And as the fork cut another piece, he realized he didn't need the knife anymore. So that night, when the knife had his blade turned, the fork pushed him off the table.

Once again, the fork was King of the Table. And there was peace and happiness. Until the very next night--when, once again, soup was served.

Weekly Office

2009-10-08T08:08:00.003-05:00

July 17 - "I want to embarrass all the other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the webcam and say -- Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?" (Michael)

July 20 - "When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. And then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go." (Creed)

July 21 - "I have never dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael. Ever. Not ever. Not now, not then, not now, not ever. Ever." (Pam)

July 24 - "Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids, it's about my great-grandkids. I can come back here when I'm a hundred and I can find that piece of cement and say, 'That's me. Look kids. Your daddy left that face hole.'" (Michael)

July 26 - "They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates." (Andy)

July 28 - "You know what? This young man needs to learn that that's not how you treat people/ I don't care if it's pizza, good business is about respect and accountability and follow-through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please, escort this young man into the conference room." (Michael)

July 30 - "There are people all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases. They're deformed and they're abnormal and they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is a bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't...you know. There is just one of me and a thousand of them and rabies wins." (Michael)

Chicken Poop #4

2009-10-07T09:11:00.000-05:00

The Poet of the Open Road

In school, teachers held little hope for Billy Madden. He showed no interest in learning. His marks were always poor, he never completed a reading assignment or participated in class discussions, and he rarely did his homework. At an early age he was branded a "nonlearner." Yet, incredible as it might seem, this onetime problem student, who was given up for lost by every one of his teachers, grew up to become one of America's most-read writers!

Leaving high school without a degree, Madden was hired by the State Department of Highways. One day, Madden just happened to be in the office when an emergency occurred. The supervisor charged with writing road signs was out sick, and a sign was desperately needed to warn people not to go too fast. While other people suggested Don't Go Too Fast, and If You Can't Read This Sign You're Going Too Fast, Billy Madden carefully printed the word Slow and a career was born.

Madden had found his niche. He loved writing road signs. Initially, his spelling problems made the job difficult for him. The department unfortunately produced several hundred red, octagonal Stob signs before his misspelling was caught. But Madden spent many sleepless nights overcoming this deficiency and eventually conquered this problem. The result has been tens of thousands of signs that have become familiar to drivers throughout America.

It was Madden, for example, who dauntlessly campaigned to replace the confusing warning Watch Out Deer with the poetic Deer Crossing. For his famed Slippery When Wet, illustrated by wavy tire tracks, he received the first of three coveted Highwayman of the Year awards. Although some of his favorite pieces of writing, such as Big Trains Coming, have yet to make it onto America's highways and byways, the Guinness Book of World Records credits Madden as the writer whose words are read most frequently by Americans.

For a young boy once given up on by his teachers as hopeless, America's roads have become his legacy!

Weekly Office

2009-10-01T11:11:00.001-05:00

July 4 - "I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're going to meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right, and tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, everything, it was right." (Andy)

July 7 - "I think that everything...has its place...and I found that my place is here. Turns out I hate the forest. There's nobody there. This is where the action is. I don't need the woods. I have wood paneling. I don't need fresh air. I've got the freshest air around -- A/C." (Michael)

July 9 - "Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests.' And they're both winning. So, I am going to make a run for it." (Jim)

July 10 - "Oh yes! Count me in, dudes. I am in serious need of some bro time. The old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying." (Andy)

July 12 - "What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate -- and desperate situations yield the quickest results." (Michael)

July 14 - "Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage." (Kevin, on Pizza by Alfredo)

July 16 - "So, I caught everyone before they left, and I told them my idea. They loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas...The one time of year they hear one." (Jim)

Chicken Poop #3

2009-09-30T10:10:00.001-05:00

The Five W's of Motherhood

Mrs. Jane Robbins, a former Metropolitan Reporter for the Flint (Mich.) Journal, came up with an interesting concept. Why not apply the famed "Five W's" of journalism to real life? As a young reporter she had been taught that all the pertinent facts needed for a story could be learned by asking six simple questions: who, what, when, where, why, and sometimes, how. Jane Robbins realized that by asking these same questions of her teenage daughter, she could obtain all the important information any mother needs to know about her child's welfare:

-Who are you going with?
-What are you going to do?
-When will you be home?
-Where will you be?
-Why don't you call me and let me know you're there?
-How are you getting home?

Unfortunately, when asked these questions, her fifteen-year-old daughter, Tamara, responded with the "Five W's" of teenagers:

-Who died and made you Queen of the World?
-What do you want from my life?
-When are you going to stop treating me like a child?
-Where do you get off telling me what to do?
-Why can't you just leave me alone?
-How can you do this to me?

Jane Robbins abandoned her idea altogether.

Weekly Office

2009-09-24T10:10:00.004-05:00

June 17 - "I will be honest. The dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty. Like a piece of fine art by...any number of renowned artists. Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude. But the women I'm getting fixed up with are...blech. Not that they aren't nice, or that they don't have great personalities, it's, they just lack a certain...Crawfordness." (Michael)

June 22 - "I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself...Sometimes, I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this TV." (Michael, showing Jim his fifteen-inch television)

June 24 - "I wasn't really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things." (Stanley)

June 25 - "As I lay there, with Dwight sticking his grubby fingers down my throat, I could see the trees, and the birds and the afternoon sun. It was glorious. But I guess it sort of repulsed me because I threw up." (Michael)

June 26 - "Plan a party, Angela. Oh, and the entire world will see it. Oh, and here's sixty-five dollars for your budget. Oh, and here are four idiots who will do nothing but weigh you down. Oh, and your cat's still dead." (Angela)

June 30 - "Man became civilized for a reason. He discovered that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to struggle to survive. As the Elephant Man said to Cher, 'I am not an animal, I am a human being.'" (Michael)

July 27 - "Did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent and aroma market? Two billion-dollar-a-year industry! And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of Serenity by Jan. What do you think about that?" (Michael)

Chicken Poop #2

2009-09-23T09:09:00.001-05:00

A Work in Progress

Day after day, often seven days a week, Jim Klurfield worked incredibly long hours. His job was his life, and he found little time to spend with his family or for recreation. He couldn't even enjoy the rare moments of relaxation he had because he felt too guilty about not working. But early one morning, while reading the newspaper on his way to work, he was amazed to see his lifestyle and feelings described perfectly by "Dear Abby." He was a "workaholic," she wrote, and then she described the potential consequences of that behavior.

Jim Klurfield was thrilled and surprised to learn that he wasn't alone, that thousands of other people had also unwittingly become slaves to their jobs. That morning Jim Klurfield realized his life was slipping away and vowed to change.

Klurfield was surprised to discover that while thousands of people suffered from this same problem, there was no organization to which they could turn for help. So he decided to create one. Workaholics Anonymous, a support group, would be modeled on the twelve-step programs that have proven to be so successful fighting alcoholism and drug addiction.

Klurfield threw himself completely into this task, devoting every spare minute he could to putting together this organization. Gradually he found himself spending less and less time at his job so he could work on this program. Early in the morning and late at night, weekends and holidays, he worked to create an organization to help people free themselves from an addiction to working. He dedicated his life to this job; he skipped meals, he rarely saw his friends, he even had to quit the company bowling team.

Finally, he was ready to schedule the very first meeting of Workaholics Anonymous. Unfortunately, it was almost impossible to find a date and time that was convenient for the people who wanted to attend. And then on the night of that meeting, every one of the people who had promised to be there had to cancel because they had too much work to do.

That failure only caused Klurfield to redouble his efforts. After that night he began working even harder in his effort to help himself and others like him from working so hard. The first meeting of Workaholics Anonymous has not yet been rescheduled.

Chicken Poop #1

2009-09-18T11:11:00.001-05:00

Dad's Lessons

Sometimes late at night, when the house is so quiet I can hear the familiar complaints of the friendly old floorboards stretching their limbs, and the house is warmed by love, I tiptoe into my four-year-old son's room and sit on the floor in a corner, and I just watch him sleep. His clothes are always strewn around the room, while his baseball cap hangs proudly on the doorknob. I always have to be careful not to trip over his "Big League Football," which I know to be lying securely, I could sit there all night. And as I watch him, in these quiet moments, I can't help but remember my old man and the lessons he taught me about life.

While once I thought my dad was just about the biggest man in the whole wide world, in fact he was quiet small, and thin, and his face was as cracked and pockmarked as the old leather seats of his beloved '52 Pontiac.Dad had grown up dirt-poor on the great American plains. As a boy he had watched the once fertile farmland turn into the infamous Dustbowl. He often told me, "They called it the Dustbowl 'cause every night with my momma would take me and my brother outside with our wooden bowls and fill 'em to the top with dust. 'That's it, boys,' she'd tell us. 'Eat up.'"

My old man never forgot his hardscrabble days, even long after he grew up and could afford the nice things in life. By the time I was born he knew he'd never have to worry where his next meal was coming from, but it was important to him that his sons learn the hard lessons life teaches. He wanted to make sure that I would be tough enough to survive and prosper as he had done. To him, life was one big hard lesson.

I guess the first important lesson my dad taught me was to be independent. I was just four years old when he took me out to the shopping center and left me there. I'll never forget that feeling as I watched him drive away, with just that little loving wave. A few days later, when that nice policeman brought me home, my dad and I both knew I'd learned a very important lesson.

My dad had learned how to deal with emergencies, and was always eager to help provide opportunities to test how I would respond to unexpected problems. I'll never forget the day of my ninth birthday. Dad was driving and I was next to him in the passenger seat. Suddenly he screamed, "Think fast!" and leaped right out of the car. I had to learn how to drive right there on the spot. But as long as I live, I'll never forget that broad, proud smile on his face when I pulled that old car up the driveway. That was my old man.

As Dad got older and that cough became worse, he knew he wasn't going to always be there for me, and he wanted to make sure I could handle the real tough times. I was fourteen years old, I remember, when the police came to the high school to arrest me. As they booked me, they explained that "an anonymous called" had informed them that I had help up a convenience store. I smiled. That was my old man, I knew, teaching me how to deal with adversity. But two days later he was right there to bail me out.

Oh, sometimes the lessons were hard. I sure did miss my little brother after that tragic "accident." And when my dad spent all the money I'd saved for college, it helped me learn that I could survive on almost nothing. But there wasn't one single day when I doubted his love for me.

My old man isn't here anymore, but I've never forgotten the lessons he taught me. So sometimes, late at night, when I'm sitting there on the floor, I look at my son, sleeping like an angel, and I know that one day soon I'll be taking him to the mall.

Just like my old man.

Getcha Some Office

2009-09-17T14:22:00.001-05:00

Friends, the day has arrived. We've been waiting for far too long to howl at one Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton Office of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. So, in honor of the Season Premiere of The Office this evening, I'm debuting 7 quotes from past seasons which are simply meant to wet your pallet for tonight. As a followup to this, expect this every Thursday this fall as the show rolls on. Laugh away.

May 28 - "The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week. So now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is twelve." (Pam)

May 29 - Michael: "This is ironic, isn't it? I am in the hospital for not getting enough water; you are in for a disease that causes the fear of water." Meredith: "I am in because you hit me with your car."

June 2 - "Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times and every time we've been able to get out of it. But I gotta give him credit-he got me-because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate." (Jim)

June 3 - "I work hard all day. I like knowing there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break." (Kevin)

June 4 - "Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like chipmunk, squirrel, wild boar, venison, jackalope, are all ingenious to this part of Pennsylvania." (Michael)

June 5 - "Angela is worse than usual lately and we have a party to throw, so I googled, 'How to deal with difficult people,' and I got all of this. So we're gonna try out some new things today." (Phyllis)

June 23 - "Toby is great, but he can be a little much sometimes. 'I don't see the harm in that...' C'mon. It's just a cake, Toby. Go mumble somewhere else and stop staring at my girlfriend. That's all, I'm sorry, I'm just venting. But why does he have to walk so slow?" (Jim)

Vacation & Chicken Poop

2009-09-14T14:22:00.001-05:00

So, let me just begin by saying that currently I'm chilling in Phoenix, AZ with my in-laws and having a blast. We're swimming, enjoying cards, downing Starbucks galore, and did I mention golfing twice for FREE? I'm hoping to take in another round or two before we leave Wednesday night. Oh, and let's not forget I've begun reading Irresistible Revolution by Shaine Claiborne, as well as getting caught up on a bunch of flicks.
You know, before I reveal my Baker's Dozen Book List (the first one being listed above), I've been blessed to squeeze in a ton of movies which I was behind on. Some good, some cheesy, some just stellar. Keep in mind, there are different reasons I tackled some of these. Here's kind of how I grouped them:

Just Okay
Rock'n'Rolla - I just expected more from Guy Ritchie. Tom Wilkinson was great, but I dozed off several times.

Real Solid
Gamer - Liked the effects, action, and scary reality of technology interfacing our culture, taking away our humanity.
Twilight - It seems like everyone loves the book series, but were only so-so on the movie. I've never read a page, and didn't know much about the whole thing. But it was actually quite compelling stuff, and I can see why the teen world likes it so much.
The Hurt Locker - Okay, so there was a lot of hype for this film, though I'd never heard of it. And a pretty sweet sleeper cast. It was intense and suspenseful, just keeping it a safe distance...especially from shrapnel.
State of Play - Russell Crowe leads a sweet cast in this Ridley Scott flick. Throw in some Helen Mirren, Rachel McAdams, Robin Wright Penn, Jason Bateman, and Ben Affleck (Extract pals?), and it's all well done. I think I'm okay with the resurgence of Affleck's career...being a hubby and daddy are bringing out the best in you.

Yeah, Baby
I Love You, Man - This made me howl...I actually enjoyed it more than The Hangover, and it's up there with Forgetting Sarah Marshall...guess I'm a closet Jason Segel fan.
A Fistful of Dollars/For a Few Dollars More - Spaghetti Western Classics by Sergio Leone, with a clutch young stud in Clint Eastwood. If you've never seen these, they are dynamite as they're written well, great camera work, and catchy music. Oh, and considering the films are nearly 50 years old, I'd say their in pretty good shape.
Extract - Hil-lar-i-ty. I'm sitting there just cracking up at Ben Affleck in a great role, and thinking the whole time, how in the world does Jason Bateman keep a straight face? This movie just pokes fun @ our culture and stereotypes, taking along with it some Bateman comic delivery. He's so money and he doesn't even know it.
Frost/Nixon - The best movie I've seen in a LONG time. Didn't have much knowledge of all the events of this piece of history, but Ron Howard unfolds this story beautifully. Nixon and Frost are so well acted, it's not even funny. I'd recommend this to anyone who wants to spend 2 hours in a great, well-acted story that has the historical stuff layered throughout.

Upcoming
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (last chapter in "The man with no name" trilogy)
Jesus Camp
Expelled
What Would Jesus Buy
Miracle at Santa Anna

Lastly, you can expect a return to some OFFICE quotes, particularly with it returning to the air very soon. But hang on...how about some excerpts from a parody book I read by one David Fisher entitled, Chicken Poop for the Soul: Stories to Harden the Heart and Dampen the Spirit. I will confess to having a season of my life where I was addicted to those books (before they went into those crazy, specialized arenas like, Dog-lovers, Car-Lovers, Etc.). Yet, this book just made me chuckle and think about the more sarcastic, twisted side of life...you know, reality without the always advertised happy-ending. So, be warned that over the coming weeks, I'll be sharing some excerpts from the book for your enjoyment.
May you live well in the goodness of grace.

A Sleeper City

2009-09-08T17:05:00.001-05:00

Had the priviledge of enjoying Montgomery this past weekend (wedding of my wife's best friend) and was blown away! Maybe I've been so stinking sheltered...how had I missed this great place? I'd enjoyed Birmingham, Mobile, and even little 'ole Florence, but had skipped right over the capitol city of Alabama? I'm pleased to now tell you that this this city slicker has been awakened to the appeal of such an interesting community. Here's just some observations:

-Buildings and landscape...everything was virtually easy on the eyes, clean, green and beautiful, with a touch of character splashed in virutally everything it seemed. There's actually this really cool downtown area where they've brought in Dreamland BBQ, and are trying to rennovate this old, vintage alley between some buildings...can't wait to see what that becomes in the near future.

-Racial acceptance...see, I live in NW Houston, and the ethnicities seem to tolerate each other and not go much further--but most encounters I had personally or observed from a distance were VERY positive...it was ACCEPTANCE, and that was very surprising to me since my initial thought had been the opposite of the deep south...

-More churches than I can count...of all flavors, shapes, and sizes. I almost got the feeling that there are more beautiful old buildings with beautfiul old saints than there are total people to fill them. What's the future hold there? And if that's beginning to happen in Alabama, when will that trend hit even bigger cities? Maybe there's some urban sprawl guru who can shed some light...

-Attention, compassion, and general joy of children. Every restaurant or public place we took in, my kids were smiled at, greeted, spoken to, and encouraged. Let's face it, I believe my kids are UBER adorable, but still, it was pretty unique.

-Sweet Tea @ every restaurant, Krispy Kreme donuts, Roll Tide everywhere...enjoyed every bit of these things.

May each of you spend one afternoon this week raising your class of sweet tea in honor of the great state of Alabama, and this "sleeper city," Montgomery.

My Best Friend

2009-08-18T14:22:00.005-05:00

So, today Carly and I celebrate 8 years of marriage. I'm simply in awe of the fact that she agreed to pick up the phone when I called her (after the infamous cactus gift, mind you). And that she would awaken to a sunrise devo with some Theta peeps, followed by some Bobby's breakfast. Or that she would tolerate my presence @ Books-a-Million, Jamaican Campaign, and our many dates...much less nearly hyperventilate when I gave her the golden egg with a diamond ring in it.

You know, I'm not sure I would have ever been ready to understand the value of friendship in a marriage..perhaps when I was younger and dating everything in sight, that word was a turn-off. But it's a BLAST to share life with someone who enjoys similar things, believes-listens-encourages-corrects-laughs-understands-respects you (even when it doesn't make sense). Carly is my BEST FRIEND, and I'm the better for it.

Don't get me wrong...my wife is smokin' hot. Good grief, to have 2 kids and still have it going on is a wonderful perk to our love. Why did I doubt the old guy principle of glancing at her madre? That should have been my first clue!

Thanks for 8 great, crazy, wonderful, wouldn't-trade-them-for-anything years, Babe. Married up? Okay, that's mild salsa in this context. Won the lottery? That's probably moving toward the right odds in assessing our coming together. I praise you, Great God of All Marriages, for blessing me with the companion you knew would mesh with my heart perfectly. Here's just a couple pics from previous years...hey, my sweet probably has the better collection than me!

A Prayer of Confession

2009-06-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

So my 3-year old princess Shiloh was sitting down to lunch over some Taco Bell. Glancing down at her soft taco, she uttered these words:

"Dear God, I don't like lettuce. Please take the lettuce away and never let it come back, Jesus. Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Beyond my little gal's obvious resistance to this veggie, I want that simple, honest, true plea in my life, to my God, only you and I both know it's not the lettuce which I don't like or wish to return...

God's grace to you.

Office Love Part 2

2009-05-29T10:10:00.000-05:00

And here we go with some more good stuff...may this make you LOL...literally. This should get ya through for a while...

April 25 - "Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive." (Pam)

April 28 - "I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just less." (Jim, about his first night away together with Pam--on Dwight's beet farm)

April 29 - "So here's the deal. I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs." (Michael)

May 9 - "This is what a true survivorman does. You simulate disaster, like a plane wreck, you can only wear the clothes that you have on, and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster [Dwight] is a serial killer, creepy guy, who has abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead." (Michael)

May 11 - "People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.' Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose." (Dwight)

May 12 - "I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend." (Michael)

May 13 - "Four million dollars! Man. That's a lot of guacamole--a lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers and I've also thrown in some 'ers' and 'ahs' just to make it seem like it's not memorized. Perfect crime." (Michael)

May 14 - "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party-planning committee is my back-up, and Kevin's band is my safety." (Andy)

May 16 - "I don't talk trash. I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical. Like, 'Your mom is so fat she could eat the Internet.' But smack talk is happening like right now. Like, 'You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.'" (Kelly)

May 18 - "I lied to Michael, I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support. But I will never help him. I will let harm befall him, I will even let him die, but I will never let him lose his dignity." (Dwight)

May 19 - "He's just going to tell the truth. The truth is very, you know, complicated. So we went over it carefully. And, just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment." (Jan)

May 20 - "Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine Alfredo, and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Today I had a triumph of the human body. My guts. My heart. While I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I am very, very proud of that." (Michael)

May 24 - "I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm lovin' it! I can literally say anything I want. No one is going to hear me...Wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! My girlfriend has plastic boobs! I--HAVE--HEMORRHOIDS!...Doesn't even matter." (Michael)

Office Love Part 1

2009-05-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

So, are you having withdrawals yet? With the news of a certain power couple's new addition, I thought I would take us back to the days when it was just the 2 of them...and this is the first of a couple rather lengthy excerpts sure to make you grin...

April 24 - "Oh, hey, I know you--Elizabeth! Right?...Wow. Very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check for three hundred and forty dollars made out to 'science.' Make sure that gets into the right hands." (Michael)

April 30 - "Do I believe Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no I do not." (Dwight)

May 1 - Michael: "How can I get you to stay?" Stanley: "Money." Michael: "We all want money. But there is none in the budget so...tell me why you're really leaving." Stanley: "Money." Michael: "Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that."

May 4 - "I can make a difference. Remember I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this G.D. 5K." (Michael)

May 7 - "Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life, and business, are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy." (Michael)

May 8 - "Besides my relationships with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me." (Oscar)

May 15 - "Well, it's been tough. The geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial. And tonight they are airing the brain-dead version. So, welcome one and all to the world premiere of corporate crap-fest." (Michael)

May 25 - "Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness." (Pam)

The Office Rolls On...

2009-04-23T14:34:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure how many of you are actually getting some dynamite enjoyment out of reading these, but I'll tell you...with all the twists and complications of The Michael Scott Paper Company, I don't know what to believe anymore. So, for the moment, I'm resting in the daily funnies of my 2009 calendar. Enjoy!

April 9 - "All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I even heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five, five years old...couldn't even talk yet." (Michael)

April 10 - "I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk." (Dwight)

April 13 - "A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she might have rabies. But that is where we are in America and that does not sit right with me. And that's why I am hosting a fun race for the cure of rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the United States but not many people know that. (Michael)

April 14 - "[Monopoly] is nuts. Nobody just picks up 'get out of jail free' cards. Those things cost thousands." (Creed)

April 15 - "Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake...Why, you might ask, did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake and I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me." (Michael)

April 16 - "When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain." (Oscar)

April 17 - "You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is a part of what makes the office so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom. The sassy remarks. The crossword puzzles, his smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left." (Michael)

April 19 - "Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note telling him who is on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out, he loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls, so he has me make them up every ten minutes." (Pam)

April 20 - "What am I doing? I am blowing Dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. It feels good." (Michael)

April 21 - "I know you are probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts...Well, back in olden times, a large, fat person, like this, was a person of power, a person who had money and could buy food. A person of respect like the regional manager of the day." (Michael, to Kevin)

April 23 - "I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around." (Meredith)

Applauding vs. Obsessing

2009-04-09T16:11:00.001-05:00

You know, one of the things I've noticed in ministry and the interconnectedness of churches is a struggle with cheering someone else's success, wanting to duplicate it, and literally being envious of it. I see this played out here in my own city as the church where I serve is smack in the middle between 2 of the largest growing Evangelical churches in America. They, along with others in the area, both have great TV telecasts, multiple Campuses, and occasionally the traveling worship/meeting experience. Oh, and did I mention the larger than life pastors/preachers/evangelists which lead these bodies of Christ?

I've decided it's truly a humbling, daunting, and IMPOSSIBLE task to try and keep up with what these churches are doing in ministry, innovation, and advancing of the Gospel. Don't get me wrong, that in NO WAY allows for laziness and defeat when it comes to getting after in your faith, ministry, and service to others. I absolutely love creativity, clever implementation, and fresh ideas. But I guess what's a little weird is when you're at conferences or just in conversations with folks and it's as though they're obsessed with what THIS church or THAT church is doing next. There's an air of jealousy, a longing for replication, and a muted sadness that THOSE things aren't going on in their current church.

God gave me some PEACE about this recently. And it came in the form of "Spring Cleaning" and my sweet wife's initiative to sort through some of our old/nasty keepsakes in the church's nursery. The goal of each church is not to keep up with each other, or replicate programs/ideas, or compete with anyone else for the same people...it's not about what's the "best" or the "nice-est"or the "coolest." Rather, when churches achieve great things for the Kingdom, when they offer unique services to specific folks, when they embrace the unique niche in the broad scale of being Jesus' hands and feet, and when God blesses them in various ways...GREAT!!! Let's applaud and celebrate what God is doing and how He's choosing to go about it.

And I'm starting to believe and understand that God opens our eyes to how He's working in other places so we can embrace the very difficult statement: "We can be better, we can do better." This simple and haunting phrase strikes me at my core, and it's got nothing to do with guilt on what I am not yet or where I am lacking. I'm actually refreshed and challenged and inspired to "get after it" for Jesus when I get snapshots of God's goodness to other places...and it's not manipulative or something, like I want Him to bless my place in the same way. I'd like to think my motives are purer than that. Rather, it's a faith step and a piece of humble pie and a realigning of my life to the way of Christ. There's no cut-n-paste formula to it.

May you applaud what God is doing at your church. May you embrace this idea of cheering for other churches as they strive to advance the Gospel in the same ways you are. May we wish the body of Christ success in all its many endeavours. And may we all learn something along the way as we walk with our Father who loves us.

My target audience

2009-04-06T12:12:00.001-05:00

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had beenborn in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

The Office meets Shiloh

2009-04-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

I'm so disappointed in what's going on with The Office right now. I mean, are they trying to frustrate people with the possibility of Michael Scott no longer being apart of the show? Ri-dunk-ulous. In lieu of the absence of quotable stuff, here is the usual selection of goodies, followed by a few contributions from my ever-growing daughter. Enjoy yourself and live well.

March 24 - "I know a lot of you are very upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her with my car. But it may make you feel a little bit better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life by putting a garbage bag over her head with a bat in it...Turns out, Meredith has been exposed to rabies, which is like ten times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me, she went to the hospital and I saved her life." (Michael)

March 25 - "Oh yes, I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause." (Stanley)

March 27 - "You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans die every year from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three...too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming, barking killer." (Michael)

March 29 - "You know, I just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together...I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner...Wine. But wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. (Jim)

March 30 - "Because you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness." (Michael)

March 31 - OSCAR: "Michael, this is a presentation tool." MICHAEL: "You're a presentation tool if you think I'm going to tell Jan about this."

April 1 - "I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be 'Kool-Aid Man.'" (Kevin)

April 3 - "Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus's dad?" (Michael)

SHILOH KATE BARTEE:

-"Daddy, I don't want to marry some boy one day. I want to marry Deacon!"
-"Mom, the checkbook is SOOO cool! You want to give it to me?"
-"Look at your mustache, Daddy..."*
-"Daddy, you have flies on your face."*
*after 1.5 days of not shaving...unbelievable!

Asking vs. Convincing

2009-04-02T16:50:00.000-05:00

I was listening to an ESPN Sports Talk Radio Show the other morning, and the host was talking about the differences in recruiting and hiring among colleges and various sports organizations. The best way I could summarize all this discussion is this: if you're important, if your program and tradition has an aura about it, then you'll never have to convince someone to play for you...to attend your school...to join your company. All you do is ask. Your position is one of confidence, security, comfort, and foundation. People want to be a part of what you're all about.

The flip side of that coin is the convincing part. This sportscaster suggested that every other group who's not steeped in tradition, mystique, heritage, and prominence has to convince folks to be join up with them. It's like they're not good enough and they know it, but they don't necessarily want you to be made aware of that. So, you dress it up, you schmooze, you over-hype, you make unrealistic promises, and cast impossible dreams/goals. You see where this is going, yes? I haven't even attacked the notion that depending on loyalties and how you grew up, your perspective and opinion will be compromised. But what does that have to do with Jesus and the Gospel?

Jesus is not a "convincer." Jesus is an "asker." His message, His roots, His Lordship, His Heaven, His grace; it speaks for itself. There's no reason to try and dress it up, although if it's going to be done, sadly I suspect it's done by us! What would His Church look like if we asked more and convinced less? The deep-down, dark reality is that we've got to embrace His grace-filled life and way of living as enough--no additives or special upgrades needed.

May we commit to ask Jesus for all we need, and may we be receptive to the things the Holy Spirit asks of us. May we not need convincing. And God help us with the most basic of human communication for our world around us--meeting their needs, listening to their pain, encouraging their souls, pointing them to Jesus' salvation. MAY WE ASK.

The Motions

2009-03-26T09:11:00.001-05:00

Thought I'd share something reflective and challenging today. This is from Matthew West, and it's called Motions. May you find grace, peace, and authenticity in your walk with Christ this day.

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

Everywhere...

2009-03-25T14:22:00.000-05:00

So, of course there is this overwhelming new trend in our society to continually update people on what you are doing at all moments of every day. No, I'm not referring to blogging or even texting. Personally, reading the Facebook Status Updates is all I need to try and keep up with my many "friends." No, I'm talking about this little thing called Twitter.

Now, what you'll see below is not of my own finding. I credit Zach Lind (the drummer of Jimmy Eat World) and his blog as the source. Zach's blog is a great source for tough, raw, thought-provoking Christian perspective. While I could rant and ramble about how ridiculously interconnected we all are, and how this digital world often times community without a healthy lack of privacy, I still have much to read. But this video provided me some HUGE laughs. Enjoy!

Shiloh and the Office

2009-03-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

Been gone too long, but not without good stuff to share. Today, is the usual tidbit of quotes from our favorite Paper Company's Scranton Branch. Also, my daughter Shiloh (age 3.5) has really been dropping down some one-liners of her own, which I thought you all might get a kick out of. Enjoy! (and stay tuned for more hilarity coming soon)

March 2 - "I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious. But I am a little stitious." (Michael)

March 3 - "They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on. Or a funny coat." (Pam)

March 4 - "We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother and I thought that's what he was. Then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all my blue jeans with him. I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans." (Michael)

March 10 - "Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so, that his little guy here has created his own little world. It's called 'Second Second Life' for those people who want to be removed even further from reality." (Jim)

March 11 - "That's how it goes sometimes...You lose everything, and everything falls apart, and eventually you die and no one remembers you." (Dwight)

March 12 - "Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to? Like a giant buffalo or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus, with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret, with the head of a meerkat. Or, just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer with the body of a porcupine." (Michael)

March 13 - "When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes...and I am always busy." (Jim)

March 14 - "Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house...The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that...This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs. Like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment..." (Oscar)

March 16 - "Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked, I enjoy being liked, I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised." (Michael)

March 17 - "Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is this?" (Kelly)

SHILOH KATE BARTEE:

- "You broke my heart...and you broke my feelings."
- "You're the winner, congratulations!"
- "Not quite yet..." (when asked if she was ready for breakfast)
- "I want a puppy. I'll name it Minnie."
- "Maybe we can go to church today, okay, Mom?" (on a non-church day)
- "I have MAJOR boogers!"
- "Swiper the Fox...he's mean...he broke and crushed my heart."

Something Heavenly

2009-03-03T14:22:00.001-06:00

Below is a song by Sanctus Real, "Something Heavenly." While KSBJ (our Houston Christian Radio station) is in danger of over-playing this song to the levels of Chris Tomlin, I must say that the lyrics are amazing, reflective, and relevent to anyone who's ever been faced with a difficult situation or a tough decision or even a relationship where that needs reconciliation. This is where my family has been for the past few months, and where I find myself in daily surrender with the BIG questions for our Great God.

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time to make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything I surrender...

To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This is something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

Something Heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

Office Love

2009-03-02T14:22:00.000-06:00

So I was eating crow, "humble pie," whatever you want to call it when it came to the Oscars. I thought the Academy Awards show itself was fantastic, just sort of lame-o and predictable on the winners and such. I realize I've been away from some Office quotes, and it doesn't help that the show has been missing from new episodes for the past 2 weeks. And so, without further adieu, I will bestow upon this fine Monday a plethora of quotes that will make you smile, chuckle, and reminisce for the return of our great show. Enjoy!

January 30 - "Oh well. If they're not together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like P.B. & J. Pam Beesley and Jim. What a waste. What a waste." (Kevin)

January 31 - "I have been compared to a young Paul Newman. It's the eyes, and the face, I guess. Also, I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Italian with Newman's Ranch. I sell it at flea markets for a small loss. I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone, but I won't do it." (Michael)

February 2 - "When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine and watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God-forsaken world I wanna hear is the voice of Michael Scott." (Stanley)

February 4 - "I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it is a vicious cycle. You have sensitive nipples...they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So, I take precautions." (Andy)

February 5 - "Here we go. Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. 'Cause today is the day that Jim and Pam become one...I love you guys so much." (Michael)

February 7 - "Agritourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to the farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast." (Dwight)

February 9 - "When I came home, Sprinkle's body was in the freezer, where Dwight said he left her. But all my bags of frozen French fries had been clawed to shreds...Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy." (Angela)

February 10 - "Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering; occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make." (Michael)

February 11 - "I have been involved in a number of cults--both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader." (Creed)

February 12 - "Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off of the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bags of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder." (Michael)

February 20 - "Hey, Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating, but when a new client calls, you have to just randomly assign them to a salesperson. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, okay?" (Phyllis)

February 24 - "Inspirational. What did we learn? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Because it is illegal, and you will go to jail." (Michael)

February 26 - "Spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense." (Michael)

February 27 - "Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day any better is ice cream." (Michael)

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-02-21T10:32:00.002-06:00

I'd like to comment for just a moment on one of the most talked about films of the past year. Carly and I saw this film a while back, at the recommendation of my younger Jedi-movie-watching brother, Payton. The hype was mild and growing at the time, and thus we went in with some expectations that not only would the film be different, but overwhelmingly special.

You know, Slumdog Millionaire was neat, and clever, and haunting, and fun...it was unique in a way that I'm not sure I'd encountered before. You know, sometimes when I see movies that have absolutely ZERO redemptive qualities--they're just a fun escape, senseless action or comedy or mayhem that I surrender to for 90-120 minutes. However, the buzz surrounding this flick was that it would contain many redeeming elements in it.

Danny Boyle (producer/director) has crafted a very fresh, hip film that raises the awareness of poverty and injustice in a different culture and part of the world. The images range from haunting to humorous, but at the end of the day I was just a tad thrown off. You see, Slumdog Millionaire is kind of like a brief glimpse into a world we can't understand, where are heart is moved for just a moment, and then we're back in our wealthy comfort after 2 hours. (this many times happens on a Mission Trip, where we're changed for a short time, but not the long haul)

For me personally, Gran Torino addresses issues that hit closer to home...not that we don't have poverty, injustice, and the deepest levels of America that we see in India. But moreover the underlying currents of hatred, racism, opportunity, and sacrifice. Eastwood's character reflects a generation, an attitude, a reality that exists not only in Detroit but all over this country. I was surprised and moved by the authenticity of Gran Torino's themes, and they are still with me today...much the same way the overwhelming message of disconnect from Crash is as well.

I have a special place in my heart for films which introduce and inspire me to understand other cultures (see The Mission, Apocaltypo), but for movies that aspire to communicate a redeeming message to their audience, I prefer one that's gonna stick weeks after I've seen it. Unfair as it may seem, this is where Slumdog fell short. But I sincerely hope you enjoyed yourself at the movies...

Tomorrow/Later today: my Oscar Picks.

Best Movies 0f 2008

2009-02-12T11:55:00.003-06:00

Well at long last, here is my list of my favorite flicks from the past year. By no means will anyone who reads this list agree with it 100%, and certainly this will not match up with any experts or critics choices. However, there will be an explanation paragraph at the bottom, followed by my most-anticipated movies of 2009. Enjoy and happy watching!

Bartee's Best of 2008
1. The Dark Knight
2. Wall-E
3. Iron-man
4. Kung-Fu Panda
5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
6. Sweeny Todd
7. Horton Hears a Who
8. Mamma Mia!
9. Cloverfield
10.Be Kind Rewind

What can I say? The Batman team of Nolan, Ledger, and Eckhart made Dark Knight superb. Ironman lived up to the hype, and actually exceeded my expectations. Of course I have a soft spot for a clever, well-done, humor-with-a-message animated flick...and that's represented by 3 of those on my list. Button was so very different from anything I'd seen before. Sweeny's music completely trumped the strange gore reservations I had, and the music of Abba makes Mamma Mia a blast on every level. And, Cloverfield is really the film that was trippy, edgy, confusing, and suspenseful wrapped in one. My #10 choice is just a sleeper for me.

Honorable Mention: Frost/Nixon (only because I haven't seen it!)

SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN:

Taken and Gran Torino

(these 2 films would be near the top of my '08 list, but because of when they came out and when I saw them, there's really not a place for them to exist...they are MUST-SEE flicks)

Looking Forward To
1. Robin Hood
2. G.I. Joe
3. Sherlock Holmes
4. Star Trek
5. X-men Wolverine
6. Transformers 2
7. Angels and Demons
8. Land of the Lost
9. Watchmen
10.Public Enemies

Coming Soon: My thoughts on Slumdog Millionaire, more Office love, and "Daily Words which stand out."

Good grief

2009-01-28T12:04:00.002-06:00

Yes, yes, the I realize that the renewed dedication I referenced has started off rather shaky. My bad and deal with it. Tomorrow you can expect my full thoughts on such Oscar-nominated movie which I find to be simply OK..not WOW, not Hooray, but just Ehh. Stay tuned for that. (I also have my best movies of 2008 post typed and ready to go, but I'm leading you to wait until Friday!)

Some long overdue Office love:

January 13 - "Ryan took some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods, for a kind of 'get-to-know-you' weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently, they already knew everything they needed to know about him." (Pam)

January 16 - "As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical." (Dwight)

January 19 - "I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start--no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out. Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life." (Michael)

January 20 - "I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So, I thought we should plant a tree." (Michael)

January 21 - "This is Sprinkles. She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once and she is now deceased." (Angela)

January 22 - "One day Michael came in complaining of a speed bump on the highway...I wonder who he ran over then?" (Jim)

January 24/25 - "Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what? I bet she cracked it at home and jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp." (Dwight)

January 26 - "The bar uses an applause meter. That's why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band--Scrantonicity Two, not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of." (Kevin)

January 27 - "I just love sales. I love it to death, it's as simple as that. And I don't get to do enough of it as a manager, so I took this second job, kind of as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing." (Michael)

Responding

2009-01-20T10:02:00.002-06:00

So, I realize that I've been away from the computer for a few extra days than my initial focus of multiple posts in a week. My apologies. Today is a fantastic day, coming off the heels of a celebration and remembrance of a phenomenal leader who I believe would be crying and smiling ear to ear with Obama's inauguration earlier today. I won't expound on the varying emotions and things I'm feeling currently...I'll just let each of us cherish, reject, or embrace the past 48 hours for everything they are.

I will leave you with some neat thoughts that came from an e-mail that one of our Bammel elders sent me. It's simple and profound, and I pray that it just encourages you a little bit.

A FEW THINGS GOD WON'T ASK on that day.

1...God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
2...God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3...God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
4...God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5...God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6...God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7...God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
8...God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.

Coming Soon (I promise): My top 10 movies of 2008, and my most anticipated movies of 2009.

Bartee's Back!

2009-01-13T10:47:00.003-06:00

Well friends, there's just no excusing it. I have slacked and failed many of you that still take just a few moments in your week to check this site for my ramblings. So, while I won't make empty promises and say that I'll be 100% faithful to a daily update, what I can assure you is this: I plan on making smaller, more random and fun posts more frequently...don't misunderstand, I plan on having the somewhat theological commentary-esque posts about all things spiritual more often than not, but let's have some laughter, too, shall we?

So here goes...one of my Christmas gifts I received this year was a daily calender from The Office. Each day has a quote that just takes me back to the show and makes me laugh, some days more violently than others. I compiled just a sampling from the first 2 weeks of the year, and I'd invite you to compare this collection versus any application Facebook can create. I'll provide a few of these a week for your enjoyment...just remember to not become the silent killer.

January 1 - "So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he's a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I'm still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?" (Michael)

January 3/4 - "Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be." (Pam)

January 5 - "Ever since I was a kid, people have been telling me that I can't do things. You can't be on the team, you can't move on to second grade. Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old-fashioned business methods. We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class." (Michael)

January 8 - "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car...It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. The doctors tried to save her life, they did the best that they could...and she is going to be okay." (Michael)

January 9 - "You're over forty. That's the cut-off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Retraining, new system, youth. I'm telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this, or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car--we're goners." (Creed, to Michael)

January 10/11 - "Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends that I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money-wise." (Michael)

January 12 - "I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life, I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same, except I could fly." (Dwight)

Coming later this week: My top 10 movies of 2008 & top 10 movies I'm pumped about in 2009.

Politics (updated)

2008-11-04T09:47:00.000-06:00

So, we're underway...voting is commencing everywhere, and there's just a certain excitement in the air today. Or is that uneasiness? Or perhaps hope...or maybe frustration? It's hard to pinpoint exactly what is floating around Americans today, but there's something.

I wanted to just offer a few things to consider as you vote today, or watch the election coverage, and when you engage in political discussions with neighbors. co-workers, family members, and friends. Listed below are 2 different articles and 1 statement from an e-mail which I find to be great food for thought. I don't claim to support any of these writings 100%, but inside each of them are tones, ideas, beliefs, and wisdom which I believe to be important moving forward beyond today.

My hope is that we'll all aim to have perspective...to seek to understand where each other is coming from and why. The thing that's already bumming me out the most about this election day is the attitude of disappointment and criticism that's brewing from many claiming Christ. What's that all about? (you may apply your Mark Wahlberg voice with that question if you like)

What tragic behavior as believers to frown, judge, second-guess someone because their party lines don't add up with yours. Can't we just celebrate the freedom in disagreement, opinion, and viewpoint? I'm confident moving forward that if the man I voted for does not win, I'm not going to be sour about it...I will pray and support who is selected to lead. I have less confidence in the opposite of that scenario, already seeing distaste on Facebook, blogs, and e-mails. Isn't this just humans electing humans? When did we become overwhelmed with entitlement?

I'm done with my words, and I'm excited for what's ahead. May you find perspective from what you read below.

One strong view of this: extreme.

A differing view I find fascinating: contemplative.

And finally, this was a statement by a well respected leader I know who is a member/elder in the Church of Christ. He articulates all of this very well in my opinion.

"I agree that this is not an ordinary Presidential election, but then again, it is; it happens every four years. As hard as it is for some to believe, many intelligent Christians are voting for Obama, and, as hard as it is for some others to believe, many intelligent Christians are voting for McCain. This is not a referendum between good and evil. It’s an election between two flawed politicians, each of whom has an agenda that supports the work of Christ in some respects and works against it in some respects. We do not want to convey the message that one must vote a certain way to be a Christian. Even, no especially, when partisan passions are at their highest, let’s not confuse our party with the body of Christ, at least not when publicly representing ________.
I’m _________ and I approve this message."

So wherever you find yourself in this struggle to represent Christ in all you do (including democracy), may you be guided by His spirit. My prayer is that you consider numbers, issues, character, morals, family, basically the whole enchilada. We shouldn't have unreasonable expectations, but I sense that we also shouldn't zero in on just a couple things from each candidate that defines our choice...just my opinion. God's blessings be on our next leader, and may we commit to prayer for whatever is ahead...the bad and the good...because they will both be present at the table for the next 4 years. Peace.

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-10-28T22:11:00.002-05:00

So basically, I was reading on a few friends' blogs, and they had this thing that on every Tuesday, they'd list 10 things they wanted to thank God for. Now, I do recognize that I may stand alone in my gender for embracing this cool weekly concept, but here goes:

1. Coldplay - watching them on SNL last week got me excited to see them in concert in mid-November. They played 3.5/4 songs! (which is unheard of, save they had to scrap some skits 'cause Amy Poehler went into labor, or they had a weak no-name host, or maybe they've just arrived at a similar place of respect in pop culture) Did anyone notice that upon the conclusion of the song Yellow, Chris Martin said into the microphone, "Barack Obama?"
2. EA Playground on Wii - My brother Payton and I discovered this little game over the weekend, and it is amazing! Just ridiculously fun for anyone who's ever walked or driven past a group of elementary kids playing at recess and wanted to go back in time for just a moment...well, my friends, now you can. Go check it out and discover you're own fun.
3. Fireproof - We went and caught a matinee of this Christian film and were impressed. Personally, if you can get past a few over-dramatic, awkward-acted, low-film-budget-moments, you'll be fine. Actually, the film inspired, challenged, encouraged, and prompted me to reflection and action in my marriage...and that was my take-away, not the movie being preachy.
4. Mighty to Save - So who cares if it's not as repetitively played as How Great is Our God, but for a foreign, LIVE anthem of praise, Hillsong's beauty is doing mighty fine. It's my daughter's most requested song at the moment, and I couldn't be happier about that.
5. Golf - Once I vowed never to embrace this silly game with a bunch of metal sticks, a little white ball, and a grassy adventure. It seems I was wrong--this game is a blast.
6. Disney Channel - No, they're not perfect, but their shows try to be as family sensitive as they can, while striving to be successful and creative. Miley Cyrus and the crew may be flawed, but in some strange ways I'm glad my daughter is excited about them rather than Bratz or boys or something else. My favorite new show on DIS is Studio DC, which stars many of the DIS youngsters and THE MUPPETS! It's like a spoof of a spoof on SNL, and it's pretty good so far.
7. Deacon Jack - While he is in this ridiculous phase of staggered sleep in the PM hours, his personality is coming alive during all the hours in between. He smiles, laughs, reaches out and grabs things, slobbers, recognizes, and snuggles in just the coolest ways. I am very blessed to have a son alongside my little Shiloh princess.
8. College Football - I don't consider myself a hardcore fan of this, but isn't it just the coolest thing to know that the eyes of America are on our state because of UT and Tech? Saturday's game could be the best game of the entire fall thus far.
9. Herdez Salsa - We discovered this at Wal-mart. I love making my own, fresh salsa when I'm able to...but for something quick and easy, this stuff is amazing. To date it's the best store-bought salsa we've ever had...I'm wondering if the fact that the label informed me it was created in Mexico has anything to do with it (that's a compliment, friends)...
10. Abba - Some of you have been fans for a long time, I get that. However, I'm just beginning my journey with them, and of course, it's after seeing Mamma Mia this summer with Carly and Deacon. (side note: I've got a soft spot for WELL DONE Musicals on Film--Sweeney Todd, Chicago, and possibly Les Miserables. However, King Leonitus does not a Phantom of the Opera make.) Among the songs I'm currently diggin' the most are Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia, of course...but I Have a Dream is just spell-bindingly spiritual.

Thanks for humoring me by reading, my friends, and thanks for inspiring me all you faithful blogging mommas out there. Grace, peace, and blessings on your faith and families.

Prayer

2008-10-09T15:49:00.004-05:00

A very simple, very profound entry today.

Last night at church, Shiloh felt warm...as a precaution we did not allow her to get near Deacon's face or hands until we could assess better what was going on. The whole ride home, she was quite pleasant and mellow, and she even asked very politely, "Daddy, you're going to take care of me?" She knew she was not well, and this was one of the first times I'd heard such a simple and basic an expression of faith. When we got home and took her temperature, it was a blazing 102. Yikes.

After a brief stint in the bath, dosage of medicine, pajamas, and then in bed, it was time for prayers before lights out. I didn't think she would want to pray, but she did. This is what she said:

"Dear God, thank you for this day. Please help me feel better, so I can touch Deacon again."

Tears formed...and I'm still reflecting on the purest of prayers from such a pure heart. I'm not going to expound on all the implications for our lives from her prayer...I think you can form your own. If you'd like to share that with our family, we'd be honored. Have a great week.

Politics

2008-10-08T09:31:00.002-05:00

I suspect I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last to express their thoughts in reaction to last night's debate and the upcoming election. I'm just ready to get a few things out there about what I'm seeing, observing, and my shallow perspective on this whole political thing.

Am I the only one to notice that anytime the White House is up for grabs, people just get weird? Like, if a president is up for re-election, then it's very much a "mild salsa" feel. But when you have a wide-open race, something a little more heated comes to the surface. It's as though there's this stored up angst that spills out through conversations, judgements, and opinions.

The other day after our Children's Worship ("ROCK"), I was approached by a member at our church I've known a long time. He was very kind as he asked me why I was an Obama supporter. I was kind of surprised at where he'd heard that, and also that it was a forgone conclusion that I was in his corner outright. He told me that someone had mentioned to him it was on my Facebook. So I went and looked at my Facebook page last night.

Under my visual bookshelf, The Audacity of Hope is listed as a book I'm currently reading. I received that book as a gift from my wife for Christmas, and it's just been taking me forever to read it...the 2-3 chapters are excellent, but you and I both know how eloquent and wordy Barack is, and so it's not an easy read. I would like to just suggest that although I read the book of someone I find fascinating doesn't make me their die-hard supporter. I cannot stand Bill Maher, and I don't want to give him a dime of my $$, but something in my spirit is curious to see his negative, cynical perspective on church and faith in his new documentary Religious.

What I can respect is being secure enough in your convictions to not mess with things like Obama's books, Maher's movies and the like. But what goes with that is also the respect for those who desire to see the world in all its reality, gaining perspective from differing worldviews. This is why I even bother to listen to debates and engage in conversations with folks about politics, much to my own demise!

Speaking of conversations...when I've discussed this election with many of my friends and family members who are by-n-large Republicans, I've been rather surprised at their lack of enthusiasm for their candidate. In fact, not really any of those conversations have sought to promote McCain, Palin, and everything they're about. Rather what I consistently hear is how Obama is evil, how they're afraid of him. I guess the timeless strategy of if you're mediocre on your party's guy, bash the other guy until your guy looks a little better. This is just silly. It's not very compelling to choose the lesser of 2 evils.

I will make no excuses for Obama's position on abortion, and the many ramifications of those choices. I'm a fan of life all the way around. I also understand that traditionally the President isn't looked upon to be the standard of all things moral and good...as Christians we may want that, but let's be honest, it's probably not going to happen. I'm not exercising cynicism, but rather just reminding myself that my hope rests in Jesus, and all that he stands for as a leader. Maybe I need to read Claiborne's new book, Jesus for President to better formulate what I mean.

I'm impressed with McCain's perseverance and courage. He's not afraid to be unpopular, while Obama seems to ride the waves of pop culture to have conversations about his positions. Yet every time Obama's morality is questioned, I cannot help but reflect on the fact that no one talks about McCain's flawed past...his failed marriage and affair are not exactly the stuff of wholesome conservative values. So, it seems to me there is disappointment for both men on both sides. What to do?

I know our hope rests in Jesus, and I believe that no matter who is the President of the U.S. for the next 4 years, in no way should that discourage my faith in God and His power. I personally commit to pray for whoever leads our nation next, and I guess the follow-up prayer to that would be that people would just support the U.S., no questions asked. Wouldn't that be the true testimony of patriotism...to get behind America, no matter who's at the helm, rather than pout, take our ball and go home when we don't get our way, when our candidate or party isn't victorious?

As I told one family member recently, I may just be allergic to politics. May we all come to a place where we vote with our heads and our hearts. May we ultimately trust that the God of the Universe is bigger than this election, and may we follow the footsteps of our one true leader, Christ Jesus...He's the only one worth all of our energies anyway.

10 Things I Think

2008-07-15T22:21:00.011-05:00

(Sigh.) Aahh. What a life, I tell ya. The pace of the last 3 1/2 weeks has moved rather fast, and so much so that I looked up and noticed it'd been nearly a month since my last blog post...since Deacon's birth and our big name reveal. (Which by the way, was a blast for us--thanks to all who had some fun with the clues and such!)
That being said, I'd like to just post a sort of back-to-normal entry that might help paint a picture of what I've been up to lately and how I'm now seeing the world around me with a family of four. Yahtzee!

10 Things I Think...

1) Robin Hood on BBC is a solid show about my boyhood idol. Not to mention the fact the lead role is played by a guy named Jonas, which I finally informed my parents was just a finalist in the sweepstakes for our son's eventual name.

My personal favorite rob-from-the-rich-and-give-to-the-poor-show of all time is Robin of Sherwood from the 1980's starring Michael Praed. Outstanding theatre, folks, I assure you.

2) Sand Volleyball and Lenny's Sub Shop are my sleeper sport & restaurant, respectively, of the summer. A few things to remember: you get a nasty, outstanding workout from moving all over the court...and at any Lenny's you can get a Kid's Meal which consists of a 4 1/2 inch sub, chips, regular sized drink, and a cookie for an additional $1.00 to all of you out there over the age of 11. It's madness, I say.

3) My wife justs get more beautiful everyday... sleep-deprived, juggling 2 munchkins, tolerating my silliness--how does she do it and manage to still glow? I love her to infinity and beyond.

4) There should be a limit on the number of chapters a book can have. Recently I was standing in the line @ Jason's Deli waiting to pay when I noticed a woman reading a "novel" that had an average of amount of pages. As she turned the page, I saw the chapter she was beginning...chapter 62. Good grief, the book didn't look that special. I mean, come on: Psalms, This Present Darkness, a couple Stephen King scarefest reads, and that's it. End of story. Anything else is just slavery to words that you could probably do without.

5) I'll man up and say it = I wish Christopher Nolan had chosen the Superman franchise. The Dark Knight just looks ridiculous, doesn't it? Look how far we've come from Chris O'Donnell stealing the batmobile and fighting the In Living Color Fly Girls! Only Nolan could have rescued my Man of Steel from the shame that was Richard Pryor. I'll leave it at that. And for the lot of you who simply cannot wait for Thursday @ Midnight, here's the first 6 minutes of the TDK. Heath Ledger has won me over as the Joker me thinks.

6) If you're planning on being in the sun for hours on end, I must advise heavy, repetitive sunscreen at all costs. I learned this the hard way a week ago as I applied moderate amounts of sunscreen, only to be destroyed by the end of the day. Currently, I am shedding like a boa constrictor on my chest, belly, and back...leaving traces of my skin debacle everywhere I go. Cheers and warnings. I suspect a post coming soon from the famous graduation speech turned One-Hit-Wonder song "Sunscreen." Stay tuned.

7) It might seem silly, but we're going to refer to our son with his actual name. This is quite amusing: there's been a trend of reactions to Deacon's name, and I've figured out that the disparity might have something to do with age. By my best estimations, most people under the age of 55 warmly accept Deacon's name and many think it's cool and unique. Yay for them. However, on more than a few occasions, some sweet folks over the age of 55 have asked what we're going to call our son...like, "Jack," or "DJ," or servant (kidding). One supporting note of my age theory is the church factor: there could be a struggle to accept a little baby boy named after a title/honor of service to others. I respect it, understand it, and give grace to all those involved. Just remember this...I never raised questions when your grandchild was given the name of a city I may have visited.

8) I need to get me some Facebook flair...I'm way behind.

9) Wall-E is the best movie of the Summer so far. Period. So far...

10) I absolutely love that I can say these 4 words now: "My son" & "The kids." Nothing is cooler than that.

Answers and revelations

2008-06-20T08:50:00.004-05:00

He's here! Deacon Jack Bartee, born @ 12:47am this morning, the 20th of June. The numbers: 8 lbs. 2 ozs., 20 1/2 inches long. Momma is running on fumes for sleep, but we're blessed and happy as can be...look forward to seeing many of you soon, and at the least getting to talk/text/message those of you further away. I will say this: 8 hours into this world, Deacon appears to have a much more "mellow" demeanor than our 1st kiddo, Shiloh. He's sweet, attentive, a vocal delight, calm, snuggly, and I'm just gonna say--intelligent and good-looking. I know, I know...those traits are from his momma. Now for the last hurrah of our mayhem on the blog:

This is it...the explanation to how all these clues fit together to provide hints/clues at Deacon's name. Let me break it down for you:

June 3rd Clue #1
Our son’s name was used in 3 actions movies in the ‘90s. One was comedic, one was an action flick, and one was more on the sci-fi side of the things. I wish he'd been a good guy.

The 3 movies:

Blue Streak - 1999 - comedy
Waterworld - 1995 - action/disaster
Blade - 1998 - sci-fi/comic-book

Villain from Blue Streak = Deacon, played by Peter Greene
Villain from Waterworld = Deacon, played by Dennis Hopper
Villain from Blade = Deacon Frost, played by Stephen Dorff

*Surprisingly, this first clue seemed to attract the most interest and guesses. In fact, 2 people actually guessed correctly, and my brother Payton had Deacon in his final four options. Perhaps he should have read up on the Fearsome Foursome...

June 7th Clue #2
A sports player known for his defense.

*I won't spoil it before Clue #6, but the sport I tried to mask was FOOTBALL.

June 11th Clue #3
Beatty & Rock.

*Chris Rock starred in Down to Earth (2001), which was a remake of Heaven Can Wait (1978), starring Warren Beatty. The football stud from Clues #2 and #6 appeared in the movie as Gorman.

June 14th Clue #4
William Forsythe, Jack Black, Donal Logue.

Forsythe = Detective Hardcastle in Blue Streak
Black = A Pilot in Waterworld
Logue = Quinn in Blade

*My goal here was to help you figure out the movies specifically, and maybe then you'd be able to connect the villains.

June 19th Clue #5 (one day after his projected due date!)
Clues #1 and #4 are related & complimentary.
Clue #3 is stand-alone, but provides overall help.
Clue #2 and Clue #6 will have direct connection.

*These should be self-explanatory now that I've revealed the details of the clues.

June 19th (part 2) Clue #6
Pam Beesley, Head Slap, 1st Timothy, & Sack.

Jenna Fischer plays Pam Beesley, the lone SECRETARY of The Office.
1st Timothy chapter 3 is dedicated to instructions on overseers and DEACONS.
David "Deacon" Jones invented the head slap when he would slap the helmets of offensive lineman as he rushed from his defensive end position. It has since been made illegal. Deacon Jones also coined the phrase "sack" which was the designated action of tackling the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. His nickname? "The Secretary of Defense."

For the last time

2008-06-19T19:43:00.001-05:00

We're here...we're at the hospital...we're in the room...I'm awaiting my daddy bracelet. Carly has received her epidural and the doc just broke her water--we're on our way, friends. And just as promised, here are the final clues. Enjoy, and if you would, please offer a prayer on my family's behalf for success and blessing in this birth. I look forward to celebrating our son's arrival with you, and the moments of laughter/awe which are promised to follow.

Oh, and when you figure it all out, please just share it with each other. Wait for my texts, calls, and Facebook messages...the last thing we need is the Hospital Equipment malfunctioning because my phone is "blowing up" with guesses. Thanks and Blessings!

June 3rd Clue #1
Our son’s name was used in 3 actions movies in the ‘90s. One was comedic, one was an action flick, and one was more on the sci-fi side of the things. I wish he'd been a good guy.

June 7th Clue #2
A sports player known for his defense.

June 11th Clue #3
Beatty & Rock.

June 14th Clue #4
William Forsythe, Jack Black, Donal Logue.

June 19th Clue #5 (one day after his projected due date!)
Clues #1 and #4 are related & complimentary.
Clue #3 is stand-alone, but provides overall help.
Clue #2 and Clue #6 will have direct connection.

June 19th (part 2) Clue #6
Pam Beesley, Head Slap, 1st Timothy, & Sack.

A Slight Hiccup

2008-06-19T11:18:00.003-05:00

So friends, it's officially one day PAST this little fella's due date. In fact, today is also Juneteenth, a Texas holiday celebrating the abolition of slavery of Texas. Additionally it's referred to as Freedom Day or Emancipation Day, and just recently the Governator of California declared it a holiday for his state as well. We've been in and out of home today, awaiting 1 opening from the 36 rooms @ Memorial Hermann Hospital in the Woodlands. Our doc said we've got until 5pm today to make the cut and be induced, and we're hovered over our phones.

Now, I realize that I passed on the clue that was due to be released yesterday, but I'd like to do something to sort of make it up to everyone. Today I'll give you some extra help with the already stated clues, and I'll type 2 additional posts that will be revealed very quickly after we get our phone call. The first post will be the final clue(s) for the entire puzzle, and will be given when we're admitted to our hospital room. (we have Internet there for all any skeptics) The second post will contain the entire thought process and explanation of all the clues...sort of the walk-through of all this fun we've been having! So there, we're on.

On the movie front, let me say that The Incredible Hulk was solid. It wasn't Ironman by any means, but it certainly more than made up for Ang Lee's artsy disaster. I do, however, prefer Eric Bana over Ed Norton, and I'll tell you why. I sat there watching Norton on the screen, and while he certainly has the scientific geekiness to be Bruce Banner, he just didn't seem like someone conflicted with turning into the Big Green Beast we know as Hulk. I kept waiting for him to pull out a deck of cards and slip me 2 Aces so we can run the table and repay our debts to the bookies. As far as the ladies, Liv Tyler and Jennifer Connelly are about the same--brown haired, blue-eyed beauties who each have excellent acting chops. I do like William Hurt over Sam Elliot as well. When you see it, please promise you'll sit through the end of the movie (just before the credits)...and you'll be in for the same treat as those of you who sat through the end of the Ironman credits for that little surprise comic book nugget. Nice work, Marvel.

June 3rd Clue #1
Our son’s name was used in 3 actions movies in the ‘90s. One was comedic, one was an action flick, and one was more on the sci-fi side of the things. I wish he'd been a good guy.

June 7th Clue #2
A sports player known for his defense.

June 11th Clue #3
Beatty & Rock.

June 14th Clue #4
William Forsythe, Jack Black, Donal Logue.

June 19th Clue #5 (one day after his projected due date!)
Clues #1 and #4 are related & complimentary.
Clue #3 is stand-alone, but provides overall help.
Clue #2 and Clue #6 will have direct connection.

June ?? Clue #6 & Explanation
~~Final, ultimate clues revealed~~